The 'other' side

They say all coins have a flip side, i have learned that all humans have a flip side, that i have a flip side too

We went through a difficult time in my family, when of one my sisters lost her child. It was a sad moment for all of us, made worse by other family issues that have been going on for a while.

In the midst, of it all.....Me, the 'CHILD' challanged the elders, as i felt things where not happening the way they should, from where i was standing, i felt it right for me to voice my concerns, only i did not voice them, i screamed them, I threw a tantrum and half , in simple terms i FLIPPED.

Whether i was right or wrong is immeterial, what still blows my mind is the rage, the fired i had in me at that moment, i was unstoppable, it was a the fierceness that still scare me today. I had enough rage in me to start a war.....I still ask myself, 'where did that come from' - was it instict reaction? over-protectiveness maybe? was it EGO? my way of mourning? was it just me casting bottled up issues in the wrong direction?

I have said to many people, that i saw a side of me that i never knew existed, i knew i was not a 'walk over' or 'push over' or whatever it is they call people who are too defensive, but i did not, not ever think that i was capable if taking other people's challenges/journey/learning curve and i that i could make it my primary mission to ressolve them, to the point that i ended up internalising and personalising a collective family challange and made everything ALL about ME.

I dislike what i became that week, I hope that is not who i become in the future when faced with challanges of that magnitude, i hope and pray for wisdom to discern MY place in every situation, and should i have something to say, May i say it in such a way that i leave no scars.

Goodbye to a Strong woman

My mother's best friend passed on, her passing was such a shock to many as she was a STRONG woman, i think we all expected her to keep going on forever, she was like a mother to me, she raised me and my sister and my cousins and practically the whole community, she was a home-based care giver, a loving woman, full of laughter and did i mention that she was a STRONG woman.

I did not know what to say to my mother, i called everyday before the funeral and each time i was just lost for words, they had a special kind of friendship, it was like they where twins, if my mother was not home, we knew the 1st place to look for her. I remember making tea for them while growing up, how i dreaded making that tea, now i wish i had made them more tea, with bigger smile on my face. But time is thief, it takes from us the ones we cherish most....I will never forget the look on my mother's face at the funeral, i was more sad for her than anything else.

This is the woman that introduced me to Jesus and Christianity, she took me and my sister to church with her and she persuaded my mother for me and my sister to get baptised at the Roman Catholic church, and she 'forced' us to attend sunday school. We used to recite the Rosary with her, and go on church trips together. She came to my high school with my mom for most of my speech contests, she encouraged me to further my studies and would always ask how things are in the big City, now tell me.......where do find people like that?

I will always remember the warmth of her heart and the joy in her laughter.

May her soul REST in peace!!

Even Princesses WALk

A day before her 3rd birthday,Siba 'walked' for 3 km, this is the day she saw many many scooters.... *coming soon*

Finding my feet

I saw an advert for a bank the other day that said '' Once you find you feet, reward them with shoes''. How does one find their feet, i mean hello, i was born with these two feet and there aren't more coming?

Finding your feet is a term widely used to describe ''when one is learning what to do and becoming more comfortable in an environment, new job,new home, new country, new baby. It is getting to know the robes, or settlelling in.

For the most part of the few years i have roamed the earth, i was just a girl from a small village somewhere at the bottom of Africa....a light skinned, chubby girl....i had a name, but i did not quite have an identity, and yes i was just roaming.

Some people might refer to this roaming as 'moving with the crowd', there is nothing wrong with it, the problem here is i moved with ANY crowd, i went wherever they went, agreed with everything they said, laughed at what ever they lauged at (even when i was the joke), i wore what they said was cool and i spoke to please (them), and i am not refering to a specific group here, this happened at school, in my neighbourhood, this 'roaming' followed me to Vasity and allas it made it's way all the way up to my office and my relationships....*big whoah*

Other people's likes and dislikes become mine, their choices became mine, their voice became mine, their feet became mine - so i was a lots child so to say, there where moments where i was myself, but for the most part i was marching on someone else's path...i was just a girl from a small village somewhere at the bottom of Africa....a light skinned. , chubby girl.


*come back soon to read about how i found my feet, my voice and my curves*

Writer's Curse

Writer’s Curse

I am many things at different times
A toggle between ego-full and humble
A careful tip-toe between human and proudly woman
Neither one right nor wrong at any time
I am the many faces that sometimes confuse, even ME

I’m not ‘what’ anyone thinks I ought to be
I am ‘something’ between the world’s conformity nod and the insanity of my pen
Many times over, I have had to edit-out society’s ‘voice’ from my ‘who am I’ story
Re-wrote some words
Bolded some, Deleted some

We can say, I am what the words in my head permit me to be
When they come calling.....
I know not to ignore them
I dance to their buzz and bow to their thud
I have found a home in-between many blank pages

You see, I write to ease the ache of ‘verbs and nouns’ from my conscious
I am a bunch of words longing for some rest
These words hold the keys to the prison for the artist in me
My pain’s end is in MY giving-into their command
JOY rushes in, once my fingers start tapping.....

I am poet, a blogger, a columnist, a novelist, a critic, an avid-reader...a LOVER of words.
At any moment....my ‘I am-ness’ can be defined by my reaction to the words’ call
I walk around with a pen in hand, for I’m forever writing......my OWN story
I write myself into existence
I am who the words SAY I am

I THINK, i am writer

Copywrite : ladyjam productions

If I were Malema, I would have a trust fund too

Picture by Agnes waga Mashao - Courtesy of Ladyjam productions

Let’s say I was the president of the ANC youth league, (minus the chubby cheeks ne’) and I had tenderpreneur wanna-be’s constantly knocking on my door trying to buy political favour from me, let’s not forget that I am a father, in my thirties, earning ‘R20 000’ pm, with a job that has an expiry date (ANCYL policies classifies a ‘youth’ as any individual under the age of 35)…. let us ALSO not forget that I am NOT everybody’s favourite person in South Africa and in Britain of-course– on top of that I also have a love-hate relationship with my boss and the media…..what do you think I would do?

What would YOU do?

One thing I know for sure is that, I would not print and enlarge section 13 of the Prevention and Combatting of Corrupt Activities Act 12 of 2004 and put it on a large frame and display it in my living room.

As a Youth, my aspiration would simply not allow me…. and like many SA youth with an exquisite taste for ‘le-good-life’, a life that a ‘R20 000’ salary cannot afford, I would resort to ‘other’ means to fund the lifestyle of my dreams, the lifestyle like that of children of CEO’s and mine moguls.

But …while the rest of my fellow ‘beeg dreamers’ rush to the banks for yet another credit card – I would simply open my door for the tenderprenuers… invite them for coffee, and we then we would go about discussing a mutually beneficial relationship - the results of which, would be TRUST fund, a ‘charitable’, tax compliant TRUST fund. There would be no violence...just a group of adults extending a helping hand to one another...like ‘borrowing sugar from your neighbour’.

I am glad I am not Malema, I am glad the court has not declared me a ‘public figure’, and I am most certainly happy Ferial Haffajee does not want to publish my financial statements, because low and behold, what an embarrassment it would be – for my lifestyle is purely sustained by my ‘overdrawn’ credit card – I wish I had other means, you know, something like a TRUST FUND.

ladyjam productions

Siba's birthday month

Something odd happened yesterday, i woke up with the idea/thought/feeling of wanting to buy Siba a kite - and even making one if i can't find it in the stores....i had a clear picture in my mind of the size, colour and parttern of the kite. I don't even even know if 3 year olds even fly kites...i don't even know if i liked kites as a kid...all I have is a faint memory of myself and my sister flying a home-made kite, that's all, i've never had any kind of fascination with kites, but where did the thought come from,

It wasn't untill the following day that i managed to solve the kite mystery, i had been watching a very interesting movie over the weekend, and i wanted to watch it again after work on monday, so i turned on the TV and stated palying the movie, an hour or so into the movie, i see a kite, the very same kite that's bee nstuck in my mind, the kite i want to get for Siba....i could not stop lauging at myself... i still do even today

I realised that sometimes we see things without even seeing them, these things get stored in our subconsins. I had not noticed the kite in the movie, but i saw it, i just did not register it - i wonder how many times something like this happens? I wonder how many things i don't pay attendtion to....because i am preoccupied and fail to be present in the moment,for all i know i could be missing a whole lot

Walk for life

I was introduced to fun walks by Thandi Tlaka (the unofficial ambassador of the Spar ladies marathon), when she invited me and our other friends to the Spar ladies marathon in 2009 - I walked for 5km, and it was the longest and most painful walk...ever!!

I was in the worst form physically and emotionally - so I guess I cannot entirely blame my body for failing me on that day, it was bound to happen, that’s what happens when you neglect your health...but something wonderful happened on that day, I fell in love with FUN WALKS - the vibe, fitness aspect, the comedy (some men wore dresses and stilettos) - the idea of taking time, to walk the streets with a group of people, gave me a sense of community, of common purpose......and that's why 'I walk' even to this day....

I have been to a few 5km walks/races since then, and yesterday I pushed the bar a little bit, I walked 8km at the Discovery/702 Walk The Talk in 1hr, 43 minutes (can we have a moment of silence please...lol) I did it, and I felt no pain what-so-ever....I am highly impressed with my fitness level. *winks*

I look back to that day, at the Spar marathon and it gives me so much joy knowing that I made a committed to change my fitness form, and I worked very hard to see THE day when 8k's is just a walk in the park (pat on the back!!!)

One day I am going to start running, I want to run a 30km marathon, that's my ultimate goal. I am most certain it will not be like 'a walk in the park' but I am willing to bear the blisters and soreness of it, most importantly i am looking forward to the JOY at the finish line!!

Dear Mandela

It saddens me that your birthday has turned into a commercial spectacle, ridiculed to the levels of Valentine’s Day. People visit charity homes for 67min, pose for pictures and plaster them on social networks, and then declare that act, a ‘heartfelt THANK YOU, to you, for the scarifies you have made for this country. The captains of Mandela day continue to collect millions in donations…while feasting on croissants and cheese, at the many functions organized in your name.

I can’t help but wonder, if this is all that is left of your legacy.

Sir, what really bothers me is the fact that no one seems to remember you as the man who abandoned his law firm, and his family, to join a struggle against oppression – a rebel of the past regime, a man who actively participated in a plot to overthrow the government, a criminal in the eyes of the De-Klerk government – am I the only one who feels that the man you where before you choose ‘peace’, the leader of Umkhoto we sizwe, the warrior in you, I am referring to that part of you that was prepared to kill for our freedom…am I, the only one who thinks that...’That’ part of you is somehow being scratched out of our history, and is being replaced by a ‘Santa clause’ like hero , who has a foundation for poor African kids.....a hero who avoided a civil war, much to the relief of the minority?

This ‘selective biased view’ of you, that we are being fed, for the comfort of others, upset me dearly. I want my daughter to know the man you are by the definition of the choices you made prior/during the Treason trial, I want her to understand the values of the man who co-signed the Freedom Charter, I want her to see the impact of making the ‘choice that matters’ from when you choose to revolt instead of being an ‘obedient’, peace seeking citizen. I want her to know you before prison stole your life.

I am still trying to figure out how 67years can disappear into 67minutes, how a life time of a collective struggle for the liberation of an African Nation can disappear into BEE, how the entire legacy of a Xhosa warrior can be captured in his second language – how a movie about the same man can be centred around a sport he never played, I am still trying to figure out how freedom to walk ‘dompass-less’, on a land you STILL do not own can be substituted for REAL Freedom – I hope one day I will find a satisfactory answer to these questions, if only just for my own sanity.

Happy birthday Comrade!! That’s who you will always be to some of me, a non-conformist, a catalyst for change, a selfless servant who gave up his entire life – WITHOUT COUNTING THE MINUTES!!

copywrite: Ladyjam Productions

My visit to Cida City Campus

the students - doing their thing!! MTN T-shirts are still the BOMB



My Alumni T-shirt - Yippie

I was at Cida Park this past Saturday for a cleaning campaign and motivational session; organised by the current SRC members - I must say Cida has changed so much, apart from the recent location change (move to Cida Park)..... the environment, the student culture, the operations and the Cida ‘family’ vibe...... is just not the same...but change is not all bad.Cida, now has sports grounds, lecture halls, a dining hall and a number of residences, including the Oprah girl's residence and the Dell Foundation Boy's residence.

I remember my 1st day at Cida vividly, like it was yesterday, it was a big day - now almost 10 years later, i am a graduate, a professional in my own right, and I am living my dream, well almost, but i have made it.

During my visit, I was overwhelmed by the current state of affairs at Cida, there has been soo many strikes, and at some point the electricity was cut off due to non-payments. What really got to me is the fact that JUST like in past, the students are uncertain of their future, they live in fear that the institution may close at any moment, all this is still happening besides Cida having produced more than 5000 Graduates, whom some are managers, consultants, business owners and specialists in various fields.

It seems the success of the graduates, which is ultimately the success of Cida is not known to the current Cida students - The Graduates are invincible, as a result Cida remains invincible!!

Come to think of it, I just grabbed what Cida had to offer and left without giving anything back. I owe Cida a lot of gratitude for laying down the fondation for my career, for giving me hope. I an however not saying that anyone should feel indebted or obliged to give back, neither do I wish to convicne anyone to dedicate their entire life to Cida – ALL i am saying is - as a graduates, we are in a position to make a positive contribution towards the sustainability of Cida City Campus - in a quest to ensure that the gift of free education does not end with US (the former students)!!

The Cida Alumni Association is available to facilitate the efforts, so we have the platform, all we have to do is make an effort, it can be a few hours of you time, or you can send a note with words of encouragement, or you can mentor a student or offer your skills to assist in the running of the campus!!

There is no limit to how much one can give, there is not limit to the number of lives YOU can change - together we can!!

Prayer - Thapelo

Last night I prayed
Not for God to give me assurance of a beautiful future

But I prayed for courage, so that I can face whatever future is coming my way

Last night I prayed

Not for God to ‘roll out the happiness carpet for me’
I prayed for a meaningful life, so I can live each moment to the fullest

Last night I prayed, for wisdom, so that I will always know that no matter what happens, God will never leave my side!!

Ladyjam productions

Agnes is in a complicated relationship ------ with meat

So my sister just woke up one day and decided that her relationship with meat is over, and it has been 2 months and she has not had a relapse, not even once.......if that’s not serious WILL power...i don’t know what is

But why can't I, a die-hard vegetarian wanna, seem to not get it right, I’ve drafted plans, I’ve set targets, changed my menu, bought meatless groceries, but my taste buds always find their way to the nearest chisa nyama :). I have tried everything in my power to 'wean' off meat, but alas, i had spaghetti and MINCE just the other day :( and this morning I took the chicken out of the freezer for supper - ##I can almost see the roast....ahahhhaha

Maybe I am not ready, maybe I am too addicted to meat, maybe I am just being rebellious *typical me* mara whatever it is, I need to get to the bottom of it...... soon

Until then, I continue eating meat, with guilt the size of the Atlantic ocean ----

A Tribute to my mother !!

Heroic measures


Not all heroes need to wear funny costumes and jump from one building to the next, cause
Some hero don’t need choreographed stunts to get a standing ovation
I know a hero
That has moved heaven and earth for me, in the absence of ‘camera, lights, action’
On countless accassions, she wiped my tears and painted a smile on my face with a single stroke of her magic wand


Not all heroes need to wear funny costumes and jump from one building to the next, cause
Some hero’s perform miracles with their feet safe on ground,
My hero has the ability to speak wisdom to crazy situations
she can see invincible light in people
She taught how to hold my head up to the sky
and told me I could be anything I wanted to be, and look at me now


Not all heroes wear funny costumes and jump from one building to the next, and thank God
Cause , I don’t think a spiderman suit will do her justice
She wears a smile on her face the size of Africa, and that’s enough
My hero, Is an ordinary woman who watches soapies and likes Tyler Perry movies
She makes the best ‘samp and beans’ in the whole wide world
And she is my mother

SAMA what???

I'm talking about THEEEEE SAMA awards -- yes i was there, with ma crew and the pics speaks for themselves :)

Me, Kgomotso, Malose, Koena

Why should i vote

I am glad the election season is over, for a moment there South Africans forgot about the rainbow nation that is if the rainbow nation is not just an illusion. The level of tolerance for one another was shocking..... name calling was 'normal'...... i watched in amazement as all the political party leaders said the most horrifying things, they made it their mission to expose shortcomings of the opposition and this was evident with the open toilet saga - pheww!!

‘Politics is dirty business’, that's what my history teacher used to say, and it gets worse when race is dragged into the picture - I admit that it is impossible in South Africa and perhaps in most parts on the world world for race not to be a factor is politics, this is due to the history of oppression of people with a darker skin color – let me hold is there, as this is an issue I do not wish to discuss on this platform.

My problem is that, I get a feeling that in all the elections , especially the local municipality elections, people are ‘incited’ to feel that they have an obligation to vote for their 'freedom' instate of voting for service delivery, which is the issue at hand. I don’t know if I am making sense, but with democracy being relatively new (for blacks) and there is a lingering 'fear', fuelled by political parties, that they people will lose their freedom if they don't vote 'correct'.....So voting becomes a 'safe guarding' measure for their valued Freedom…….in other words, to hell with service delivery.

Honestly, I feel that the ruling party has reached a political ‘comfort zone’ – I think they don’t see a need to deliver the necessary services to the community, especially poor communities because come voting time – all they need to do is 'tell' people to for Mandela, or Biko's legacy, people are reminded of the pain of the struggle.

I do not wish to disregard the efforts, struggle, pain and suffering of our struggle heroes, I do not wish to take away anything from what they fought so hard for – I for one,is very grateful for the freedom I enjoy today, but SA citizens deserves far better than what we are getting, let me say the poor, the unemployed, crime victims and tax payers deserve way better than what the government is offering or willing to do!!

I want to live, to see the day when leaders will serve their communities to the fulfilment of their promises (manifesto) – I want leaders to stop this silly power struggle and start working towards creating a better South Africa – so that when we vote for them, we get our vote’s worth!!

For now, i aint voting for no ONE!!

Give me a sign

I was minding my own business on the bus on my way to work, when a gal who was sitting next to me tapped me on the shoulder handed me her cell phone. She had type a message asking if the bus we were on was going to Johannesburg hospital, I was still puzzled ...THEN it finally hit me - she is either deaf or dumb or both , that’s when the reality of sign language dawned on me - it was this incident that inspired me to write the poem below:

In crowded spaces

When silence is all there is

People, moving soundlessly....In numbing mute-ness

When all you have is a nod, a shake Or a throw of hands in the air

Just give me a sign

When language barriers are sky high

And words are likely to betray you

When the world stares clueless...

In that moment of uncertainty

Give me a sign

Give me a sign when your heart is joyful

When your spirit is dancing to the melody of life

When saying it is just not enough

When I am here,

and you are there

In places were words can’t reach

You can give me a sign

a nod or shake A throw of hands in the air In rhythm

All I need is a sign

ladyjam produtions. 05.04.2011

Weave-less

As you all know, i have recently cut my hair and i intend to keep it short and natural for the rest of the year.

Daughter of mine

A few weeks back i put this up as my facebook status, i woke up with soo much gratitude and love for my baby gal.

I have been blessed

By your many smiles

And the look of wonder in your eyes

By your first steps

Your first words

I am blessed

By the excitement in your voice

By your careless laughter

By the life lessons you open my eyes to

…I am blessed to have you

Daughter of mine!!

what inspires me

I am a woman with loads of dreams

some big and some small

and each day I strive towards my desired destiny

I want to set foot in every countryin the world

and take pictures of everything and everyone…

I am a woman who embraces her challenges

and sits for coffee with her weaknesses

and talk light into them.

I am a woman who has had to let go of so much

and still finds her cup half full

I am a woman who smiles,

because the opposite is just too ugly…

I dream of writing about my triumphs my joy, my challenges

and my journeys around the world.

Did I mention…..

that I am happiest when I am with my pen and paper;

I am inspired most when I am writing…..

when I am pouring my heart and soul into words.

I AM a published author in the making!!

ladyjam Productions