Durban!!

Once upon a time, i promised a dear friend of mine that one day i would come visit her in Durban......and since i always....i mean...almost-always keep my promises, i took a bus to Durban on the 25th of March. I had the best of fun.....lots and lots, i could do it again in heart beat

*** Ready for the road***

***This is the 1st palce she took me to when i got to Durbs, Ohh what a view***

***and off we went, these shoes are dangerous....trust me***

***and then i got the hang of it - i'm refering to standing in the shoes...lol ***

***now this is PRICELESS***

Pre and Post JUJU

I try soo hard to stay way from politics, i really do, BUT i fail to remain silent when I see a disaster looming. I don't think we are about to go into war.. please don't get me wrong, i am not saying South Africa is about to start falling part either. What concerns me is when I see people dragging history out of its deep slumber and then call it heritage, maybe our leaders needs to be enlightened on the differences on this two words, nonetheless at the threat of being called a coward and labelled counter-revolutionary (mind you the apartheid revolution ended ages ago) I write the following :

Pre and Post JUJU

Pre-JuJu the ANC was a reputable organisation, its leadership was luminous, SA’s future looked brighter…but now I see smoke, I smell petrol bombs, I hear kids crying….tears falling off faces of our struggle heroes….

Pre-JuJu our freedom was to last for a lifetime, words like ‘kaffir’& ‘Boer’ where part our history not our heritage, I was assured that my generation would live in a democratic and dignified society

Pre-JuJu swearing on national television was not heroic; the word kill was not used metaphorically or otherwise when addressing the masses and the 1976 massacre was not scheduled for a live replay

Pre-JuJu the freedom charter’s prologue served as foundation for a united South Africa, but he trampled on it, and with JZ’s machine gun he shot at any form of optimism for a better South Africa

POST-JuJu I hope that South Africans will be more tolerant of each other’s differences, that leaders will not scream ‘conspiracy’ and ‘respect for privacy’ when questions are asked but instead have the audacity to own up to own their shortcomings and most of all I really hope that our democracy, economy and sanity survives the Malema Era.

Ramasela waga Mashao

Finding NEMO

A lot has happened since my last post.....a lot of thinking, a lot of walking and alot of praying, I wish I had done a lot of reading as well, but i hope that changes soon.

I had a tonsillectomy a few weeks ago, I’ve recovered very well, and I am grateful that it is all over. It was a very scary experience I must say, but who wouldn’t be scared - doctors where about to fondle my throat with some dangerous utensils, and my 'poor' tonsils where about to be put into a jar, not forgetting that I was in hospital, ohh I loathe hospitals.

But I was armed for the two weeks healing process, I never walk into a situation without ammunition, never. So I had bought pain killers (just in case they didn't give me enough, I was told this was going to be very sore—I was not taking any chances), I even bought drinking straws (just in case I needed them :) ----don’t you laugh) and I had bought lots of soup and ice cream (the best part of this whole thingy-thingy)

While waiting to be wheeled into the operating theatre I had a memory flash: 18 months ago I had waited at the same hospital, same spot with the same hospital smells; it was just before my caesarean (when I got baby Siba)

Before my caesarean: I was ready for what was about to happen, my mom was just outside waiting for me and i had all the support i needed and Themba was sitting right next to me holding my hand, however before my tonsillectomy, I was soo terrified and sadly no one was there to hold my hand, no one was waiting outside for me……….well my family and friends where waiting, but it was just not the same.

Amazingly, this moment did not turn into an ‘ohh poor me’ kinda tale, instead it was the beginning of a self ‘finding’ journey, at that moment i KNEW that if I was to walk out of that hospital 'all fine'….it was up to me, if I was to heal well.....if I was to spend two weeks resting, eating well, and taking my medication on time….. It was all up to ME

I had an appointment with my doctor a week after the operation and he told me that out of the 8 of us who had the operation on that day I was only the one who was out of hospital, he was very amazed with my progress, he said ‘you are strong hey... you are soo brave’.

Honestly I can’t really say that I am brave because I remember on one night, I was tossing and turning, it was 2am and I had had no sleep what-so-ever, I had taken 6 pain killers instead of 2, I could not eat and on that night I almost called the ambulance.

I am, however very confident in saying that I am blessed, I am favoured, I am lucky to have friends and family who phoned me time and again and those who came to visit me.

Now I know that I can walk through any kind of storm and I will come out just fine. I have found my own strength; i have found the warrior in Me.…….

HAITI : Moving On!!

The people of Haiti are going through a very difficult time, an earthquake has changed their lives, and things will never be the same again ...........

My Prayer :

May they find the strength to start over
May they find the courage to let go of the past
As hard as it will be....
May they look forward to the future with hope.
May God wipe all the tears
May their hearts find joy, somehow.....someday
God Bless them.

2010 : a new YEAR....a new DECADE

::::::::My vision/dream board::::::

The year 2000

10 years ago I was in high school, in grade 11, I was an 'A' student in my class, I was a prefect, I was the chairperson of my school's debate team (we where the best i must add), I wanted to become a lawyer, I loved reading, I watched lots of cartoons, I was single (shame i was still a baby) and life was blissful.

The year 2010

10 years later I am a graduate, I am right at the bottom of the ladder, I am chairperson of the book club (at work), I’ve accepted that I ain’t gonna be a lawyer in this life time :D, I still love reading, I watch lots of movies, I am STILL single, BUT now a single mother, life is still blissful but the 'fairy bubbles' have sort of fizzled.

The year 2020

10 years from now this is what I envisage: I would be a professional (watch this space...my dear friends)…..right at the top of the ladder, CEO of Ladyjam designs (coming soon), people will be reading my book (hopefully they’ll love it), I’ll be touring the world (there is soo much to see out there), and I will be married to a wonderful man…….with wonderful kids and we will stay in a wonderful house, and life will be ExtA blissful, it would be a great adventure with God right at the centre of it!!

Happy new year my friends.....lets make the best 2010!!

2012

2012 will be a leap year, starting on Sunday of the Mayan calendar. This calendar ends on the 21st of December 2010, which marks the completion of the great cycle (a period of 144,000 days). According to this calendar the 21st of December 2012 is the end of the world (as we know it). The question is, was the movie convincing? Do I believe that the end of the world can be predicted by mathematicians, computer pioneers, and code-breakers, astrologers, or even a Mayan calendar?

The answer is NO, Sadly only two actors came through for me as authentic, it was the Radio broadcaster and the black-cute-scientist (wink_winkl) the rest where just a bunch of exited and scared screamers with no character. I can’t say much about the storyline cause there wasn’t really much of it anyway, I didn’t get a real sense of mystery, or how ordinary people on the streets reacted/felt during the whole ordeal.

The visuals were pretty impressive i must say, I sat there in awe witnessing volcanic eruptions,Tsunamis, earthquakes, floods and earth freeze , it was unbelievable (no pun intended).

I do believe in the last/final days and the 'end' of the world , mara i tell you it has very little to do with climate change/global warming or science let alone a calendar, and when that day comes no ship/steel capsules will can save us, nor will the rich and famous get VIP tickets.

10 DAYS

I am on day 10 of my 90 day challenge; some targets I’ve met some are still work in progress. It has not been as easy I thought , at times I had to push myself to make an effort towards my goals, at times I had to stop myself from walking away from it all.

I am still on course, taking each day as it comes.......80 more days to go. There is no real difference yet on the scale yet, I’m not positive all day long yet, sometimes my meditation is not so quite as i battle with my thoughts, but I am so so proud of myself for taking the first step. (heehaaa)

Activities include:
Setting goal/targets
Developing a vision board
Love diet (dairy entries)
Exercising
Eating healthily
Meditation and Prayer

90 Days

……not Steve Harvey’s 90 days (:P), I have joined the Kalavati December Healthiness Quest, it is a private Facebook support group for anyone who wants to challenge themselves to live their best life. The focus is on Spiritual, Mental, Physical and Emotional well being.

Today is day one of the quest,in the next 90 days I will be pushing boundaries, shifting perspective, going deep into my being to bring out the best version of me.

Next post will be in 10 days….

movies, lunch and a dance

On Friday evening I got a sms from KB saying ‘2moro we’re going to rock Sandton! I want 2 c u all looking beautiful’. I immediately knew that it was going to take me longer to get ready, but that did not curb my excitement, we where going to SA’s version of the ‘The big Apple’.

I had not seen my gals since the marathon, and that was way back in August. We planned to have a picnic and then the weather disappointed. We then decided to go for movies, lunch and shopping at Sandton City. We wanted to send off 2009 in style and we did just that, it was a fantastic experience to say the least!!

What did we get up to??

We watched the Ugly Truth; I really liked it…..especially the sound tracks

We danced and a sang in the movie theatre..they must have thought we are crazy(song by Florida - ‘You spin my head right round, right round, When you go down, when you go down down’)

We got lost ….several times ….

We helped Thandi get ready for her company year end function…..beautiful shoes, dresses, tops, makeup…we went all crazy!!

We took pictures at the theatre, with our popcorn and drinks…yeah, like kids do

We invaded home décor stores; I mean the expensive home décor stores…...a gal’s gotta dream right??

We ate pizza, lots and lots, triple stacker, with three cheeses and a crammed crust…..yho, it wasn’t my idea :)

We took a walk on the Nelson Mandela’s square and took some pictures, hmmm it’s the kind of pictures you wanna print, believe me

and we talked...like sisters do, we had the kind of talk that leaves you feeling lighter, the kind that puts the beautiful smile back on your face.

The Shack

We have established a book club at work, and I am the chairperson...for obvious reasons (smiley).The first book I read is The Shack by William P. Young, I heard about this book early in the year and I had been looking forward to reading it, and it turned out the most meaningful book of 2009.

I've always wanted to have a frank conversation with God, not in a prayer, but a 'lets have chat kinda of thingy’. I have to admit, I don't know a whole lot about God, and I don't know much about the Bible either, I can't quote many scriptures from the top of my head, all I know is that God loves me, and that I know for sure.

In the book The Shack, Mackenzie looses his youngest daughter to a serial killer, he blames himself for what happened, he thinks God does not care about him or his family, he then goes into depression. Mackenzi gets an invite to the shack where his daughter was murdered, the invite is from God.

Mackenzie has a conversation with God (The father), Jesus (the son)and Serayu(the Holy Spirit), he spends a weekend with them, in a shack of all places. He learns that THEY are all ONE, that we are all ONE. Through his journey I got my chance to have a conversation with God, a lot Mackenzie's questions where my questions (maybe yours too) and that made the whole experience even more ''real''.

So,there I was, sitting in the comfort of my bed, and I 'asked' God all the questions that have had me confused for as long as I can remember. Questions about pain and suffering, possession, love, expectations, healing, religion, dreams, destiny/calling, faith, judgement and submission.

The book did not answer all my questions, instead it taught me that the world is not only about answers, that I am not here to understand why I am here, but I am here to fulfil a purpose, and I don’t have to ask why , I just have to ask HOW?

I also learned from this book is that I do not have to prove myself to anyone, because just being here (on earth) makes me worthy enough and God loves me as I am.

My lil gang-Star

The cool, swaggering 13 month old toddler in this picture, is my adorable, tiny 1 month old baby, this time; last year. I still can’t believe it!!! I still can’t get my head around how everything happened so quickly. I am not surprised thou , most of God’s works are still a mystery to me, and I’m afraid will remain mysterious or should I rather say miraculous until I graduate from my human form.

The fact that this life came through me and the fact that I have been entrusted with this huge responsibility of caring and loving and teaching this child.....leaves me awestricken, I believe that i am trully blessed and I know for sure that I have been divinely anointed!! Amen

outCAST

This is written in GREAT HONOUR of Caster Mokgadi Semenya, a young woman whose life was turned upside down by deceit, disgrace and ignorance by her fellow citizens, the IFAA and the media.

She ran...with her heart and soul
to fulfill her dreams and those of many Africans
She didn't know that the finish line marked the end of life as she knew it, as she had imagined it
She became a hero to some, an outcast to those who do not believe in the supremacy of her gift

She hears whispers, lies and things that breaks her heart
while others can't wait for the gold to be snatched from her grasp....
others are eager to make a quick buck out of shine

she watches.....hopelessly, as everybody tries to fit her into their stereotypical boxes
She is 'that girl' with a deep voice and heavy muscles
She is 'that girl' who looks like a man
She is 'that girl' with no womb
She is a hero to some, an outcast to those who do not believe that she is woman enough
She is a Hero.....a s-hero to me!!

~Ladyjam Productions
Statue

Piece

If I can write, then I can say that I am truly living. I have big dreams for the words that I scribble, I believe that they have a potential to motivate, heal, inspire, humour and change the world, I know that’s a little ambitious , but what is a dream without ambition?

A small piece of writting
in my worn out creative dumping
It might not be that exciting...
but it is inviting,thought provoking and enlightening

So small, my piece of writting
in my own shaky handwriting
Hardly anything enchanting....
but it is loaded,spirited and life changing

It is a small piece of writting, today.....
It is an Oscar winning piece of writting, tomorrow....

~ladyjam productions

To my dear friends

I don’t know much about this world
I too am on journey to discover it too
To make sense of it all

Wish I knew how to stop your heart from breaking
But what I know, is to cry with you
And help you piece it back together

I don’t know how to heal hearts
But right now I wish I knew, just for you
Cause your pain is mine too

I can only imagine how deep the pain cuts
I know thou, that it can’t be deeper that God’s love
For there is nothing bigger than Him

I have no idea how tomorrow will be
What I know, is that I will be there
To face it with you

It might take us longer, but
I am content, knowing each step will bring us closer to a happier you

Sometimes I might not know how best to be there for you
But I want you to know You can get me on the phone anytime, and I will pray with you

With all my love - Ladyjam

In my thoughts

This is one of many my private thought scribblings, I have decided to share this one with you because it played a significant role in my 'moving on' it was some form of release i guess.

When i wrote this I was heavy with emotions, I was tired of the emotions, I can say I was at the acceptance stage, ready to close that door that I’ve been keeping ajar for months.

I realised I was stuck in the past, and i was worrying about the future, I was torn between this two places to the point that 'the present' did not have any value. I was missing out on life.

This piece helped me get through some stuff I’ve been holding onto and it helped me to LET GO!!

In my thoughts

Stuck in my thoughts are the many private and priceless moments we spend together
The melodies of our favorite tunes

In my thoughts are our dreams of chasing the rainbow together
Hopes of a bigger and brighter tomorrow

Stuck in my thoughts are words unsaid.... a destiny unfulfilled...a journey cut short
stuck and never to be pursured

stuck in my thoughts are the images of man who never believed in my undying love for him.

ladyjam productions

Note; the ideas expressed in this piece are purely my thoughts, with no reflection on anyone else

Celebrating our femininity

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and this picture tells a story of women who are ''living life to the fullest' , women whose stamina and will-power is undeniable, relentless…..worthy of a gold medal.

Just a few days after Caster Semenya’s gender saga was splashed all over the media, while her humiliation was just a joke to some, and heartbreak to her family, friends, community and her supporters.....We proved that women can, and yes we can!!

i am beautiful...i am a woman

I am beautiful because I put my best foot forward in good and bad time, I ride through storms swiftly in my stilettos, my power lie(s) in my smile……it says I am confident , I am optimistic and I’m ready to take over the world. I am beautiful cause I am ME…. And ohh yes I am proudly Woman...

Happy woman's day to all my a beautiful friends..

For some women....there isn't much to celebrate

As we celebrate, let us not forget those who are less empowered than we are….let it be our mission to emancipate every Woman!! Let’s dream big, let’s aspire to become the best we can be, believe in yourself and know that you are worthy in the eyes of the Lord!! Stay blessed!!

Tears f a woman!!

I woke up this morning….face bruised...cuts all over
I didn’t feel like facing the world, or is it the world that doesn’t want to see me?
Maybe I should have listened to you and quit my job already

It hurt so badly when I took the shower..
warm water crept into my cuts and bruises
I wished I could wash away my pain, quilt and shame too
Maybe you where right, I am as useless as I am worthless

I had to wear more makeup, to cover all the cuts and bruises
I struggled to find an outfit that could hide....all these cuts and bruises all over
Maybe one day you will change and I won’t have to hide anything, anymore

I made breakfast for you this morning and you forgot to eat, again
I know I’m not good company, but I’ll try harder tomorrow
Or maybe you just couldn’t stay and stare at my cut and bruised smile

I couldn’t look you in the eyes when you leaned to kiss my cuts and bruises
I know you love me, you told me so last night
when you helped me put some pressure on my bruised arm
Maybe I should listen to you more, and stop seeing my ‘silly’ friends

Our son asked me if I fell in the shower again
He tells me he heard the neighbours fighting last night
But I think he knows, cause our neighbours are on vacation
Maybe I should tell him the truth
That it was you who bruised me like this


It is women’s day on Sunday…..
But I won’t dare disrespect you and attend women celebrations
Women empowerment is for women who have forgotten their roots
Who wants to hear that women have right anyway?
Unless I want more cuts and bruises all over!!
I am your woman...and that is the end of it,
That’s all I can ever be

By ladyjam productions

She did it , she can walk...YIPPIE!!

I battled to sleep last night, i was overwhelmed by exitement after hearing news that my little gal took her first steps.

I knew it was gonna happen, but i had no idea the joy it would bring, and the sadness that came along with the fact that i was not there to witness this wonderful moment, to give her big a big kiss and lotsa hugs for her achievment....

Mommy is proud of ya little Lady!!

I was there....with my VUVUZELA!!!

A few weeks ago I got a chance to experience the thrill of watching a Confederation cup game LIVE….and I had a blast! A friend invited me to go watch Banafa Bafana vs Brazil game at Ellis Park during the Confederations Cup 2009 semi finals. I went and got myself a vuvuzela and flag, I couldn’t get a Bafana shirt, or rather afford one.

Even thou South Africa did not win the game (don’t ask me the score) I must say that they played very well. I cheered, I screamed for Booooooooth and Khune, I also learned to ‘operate’ the Vuvuzela (its not easy, believe me!!), I even made a few Brazillian friends!!

I am not a soccer fan, but it is undeniable that soccer is a universal force. It creates an international platform for players, coaches, countries, companies and fans that any other entity can’t create single handily. It stirs unbelievable emotions in men and women alike, it’s exiting and it is the most celebrate sport in South Africa if not the WORLD, and I’m still not a fan? wierd huh?

Woza!! 2010 World CUP Woza!!

Not Today....

On some days i can hold my head high and walk on clouds, but today is one of those days where i don't feel like coming out of the hole. I know i'm not supposed to fall apart , i know i must smile and keep walking, i know i must look forward with hope but not today.

I am not giving up, or giving in, i'm not accepting defeat, i am simply taking a break from the 'all is well' front that i have now come to master.

I am simply accepting the feeling, acknowledging the pain and the confusion, that does not make me a failer, does it?

Siba'nki

You light up my world

Your tenderness gives me a new outlook

My soul rejoice in your presence

You redefine my purpose in life.

You are mommy's pride and joy

I love always.

Back on the blog...

I know how the world looks like when you are upside down, the view is refreshingly different and weird but it gave me a new perspective of this thing we call life. It's not always easy to embrace change, to see it as a positive rather than the enemy, it is unfortunate that change doesn't ask if you are ready.....it hits from the back unexpectedly and then you fall flat on your face right into the mud.

When you are down there you have two choices, either to taste the mud, and if its any good then start feeding off it or you raise your head and stand up as you realise that you just fell.....you did not die. The problem is, sometimes we forget how strong we really are, we forget that we have a reservoir of strength should we run out, we even forget that each fall is a lesson and that we don't have to carry it all on our shoulders.

I am smiling broadly as i type this post because I now realise how silly I've been , I've fallen before and I rose and I have no doubt that i will come across more challenges in the future and I will rise, again and again, and each time i rise i come out stronger, wiser and even more beautiful.

The Dressie

Last week I received a very interesting parcel from Liberia. I have a friend, we met online (skype) in 2007 , his name is Mambu Stephen Gbanyan, Jr. He is a very compassionate young christian man; he has been there for me through good times and bad.

He sent me a very beautiful dress, made of Liberian cloth, he went through so much trouble to get it to me and I appreciate his efforts. Thanks to him I’ve now added Liberia as one of my MUST-GO places. Yeah…one day!!

A week to go

The election day is upon us, we have seen many rallies and debates, we have seen Zuma’s charges being dropped (no comment from me) and we have heard countless ‘apologies’ from our dearest Malema , we have seen Zille afire….protesting the NPA’s decision,We have been promised hope and a better life for all, We have seen them all and we have heard them all and now it’s the time for them to HEAR US. We are after all the deciders of our own fate.May our decision be reflective of our TRUE feelings so that we can have the future we dream of.

The future is in your hands,Vote wisely friends.

Inspired , Motivated and Involved

A woman that Inspires me........coming soon... :)

This writting is inspired by a friend of mine ….who thinks and believes that she is all alone in the big bad world , how wrong she is….

When the emptiness builds up
When fear sets in
Don’t be in doubt
You are not alone

Don’t let you thoughts deceive u
Into thinking you are an island
Cause I’m just a call away

When all else fails
When things seems to fall apart
Don’t give up..

Don’t let the wrong voice tell you
That no one cares for you
That no one loves you
Look up with hope
Cause God is always a prayer away

In those odd hours of the night
When no one else is online
Just remember that
I’m just a poke away

When you feel lonely in crowds
In those weird moments
Look around you for signs of comfort
The birds and the bees, the flowers and butterflies
You are not alone
And you NEVER are

God! what am i learning?

They say it is in our darkest moments that we learn, they say it is when it hurts the most that we know we are learning , Maya Angelou even said 'In the valleys we learn' , that is why i woke up this morning and asked God, what is my lesson? and Why am i failing to see my lesson?

40 Days to go!!

Only 40 days to go before the 2009 National elections, with no doubt this is going to be a historic event. I think people should go out on this day and vote for whom ever they feel is the best leader in this trying financial times, i think we have past the point where we vote for people out of Loyalty, I for one believe we have come to pass the 'he was at Robin Island fighting for our freedom' kind of Voting, but hey...I’m not a political Analyst.

For the he first time in the history of South Africa we see political parties on TV commercials, weekly Election debate (the ultimate fight Zone) and political party posters with different pictures (some parties have black faces on posters in townships and villages and white pictures in the City...what a joke).

I am not voting these coming elections, I’ve registered, but right now I personally do not see the point. I will however be at the voting stations....selling lollipops and ice cubes, (I need the money...we are in a recession after all,!!).

I believe this year's Elections are just a fight (literally) for power and with no intentions of service, and again that’s my thought, you know what…. I would really love to hear Madiba's thoughts on these elections.

The next 40 Days will sure be even more interesting, with lotsa drama, empty promises and fighting , we are bound to hear more about Elections and what Malema has been up to, I just hope we do not loose the focus on the upcoming 2010 World cup and the current financial crisis. Let’s remember there is still life after the power battle, We need to think beyond the 22nd of April 2009.

To all the voters; all the best…make your best choice!!!

I am l'oosing' it!!

A few months ago, my niece ( who is only 6) made comment about my weight , that made me laugh, but it also made me think more about the ;issue'.She said i needed to join ' The Biggest Looser' ( Weight loss TV Show) my sister and i went quite for a while then we burst out laughing.

I've since lost a most of my 'preggie' weight , but the truth is i still need to loose more. I am not about to join a weight loss show but i’ve been on a diet for the past months, I’ve cut down on takeaways and I drink lots of water, I’ve also tried different eating plans and it was a real adventure.On some days I’ll have ham for supper, yes Ham and just Ham.

I’ve lost 2 cm around the waist and 7 kg since I started weighing myself and that was on week 2 of the diet. I’m still far from archiving my goal but I gave myself a round of applause this morning when I got off the scale.

I feel great, I am ‘loosing’ it….and I’m lovin it!!

I am fine...really!!

I am happy to report to you, my dear friends that I am really fine , I wake up everyday and I count my blessings and that has helped lift my spirit. I have so much to be grateful for.

I refuse to go around sulking….I trust that the Lord will continue strengthening me and blessing me.

Amen.

Goodbye

‘’ People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead’’ Pastor T.D Jakes

I thought I got it all figured out, I never needed to worry about dating again…lol...i thought , I have a man , we are happy , we are in love and we planning a future together , we have nothing to worry about….right?

The Denial

Don’t get me wrong I did not expect that our relationship would be without problems, but I thought …what ever it is WE can overcome it. Well… some of the ‘little’ problems we had build a huge One and I did not even see it coming. I was shocked, I thought it was joke. I told myself we will talk about it; he will then see that he is sooo wrong about me.

‘We?? …there is no WE !”I saw my hopes and dreams crumbling before my eyes; my sand castle had been washed away but the big bad sea.

After all these years, after everything we went through …..how can this be happening, my relationship was a happy one ( most of it), I’ve never felt so loved , so special ever in my life. I tell you I had a best friend and a lover all in one package. What went wrong? Why me? I did nothing wrong! Why does it have to end? Why can’t we talk? Why is he doing this to me? I had a long list of questions with no answers and that frustrated me.

The Pain

There I was sitting on the bed , staring at the picture we took at the Christmas function…nicely framed, I was listening to our favorite song; playing on the dvd player he gave me , I felt the pain creep in…...the tears where coming ….i’m not gonna cry …I said …. I got off the bed and put on his slippers, I stared at my image in the mirror, the mirror his brother made for me ; then I realised I was wearing the top he bought for me on my birthday….how do I accept that it is really over that all these are the remains of a 6 year relationship with a man I STILL love so dearly.

They say everything happens for a reason ,but you know what…… no matter how many reasons there are for this to happen , none of them would have the power to stop my heart from shredding into a million pieces. It was at this point that I broke down and cried, I think I cried for hours, I don’t remember. I woke up the following day at 4:45am still in my clothes…thanks to the alarm clock

The Aha!! moment

I made a phone call to my mom , I cried in her ear , I called a friend and I cried again…and I felt so much better…they made me realise : it is ok to cry , that it is ok to hurt , that is ok to feel lost sometimes.

I read somewhere once that ‘it is better to have love and loose it than not have it at all…’ I don’t feel that all the years are wasted because they are really not.

I look back with a smile for having had a chance to smile a million smiles, and I look forward to the future with a smile... for there is still an opportunity to smile some more, with my beautiful daughter , with my wonderful family and with my dear friends.

My Comforter

Music has its own way of lifting one's spirit.... and for the past few days I’ve have found lots of comfort in music. At first i would have it play on full blast, I liked it loud....loud enough to block my thoughts and that worked for me. One day a song caught my attention....all I could her was a lady screaming 'Comforter' and that is exactly what I needed. I needed someone to hold me, to help me ease my load, someone to mollify me….and the song speaks of a ‘faithful father’ who is THE greatest comforter of all. After listening to the song, Comforter by Cece Winans (many times) I decided to share the lyrics with you, maybe you might find some comfort in it. Enjoy

Verse 1 : Faithful friend and fatherI've called you through the years.You've been great physician when sickness lingered near.Through distressing moments your name is new and sweetYou've become comforter to me.

chorus:You are comforter that's who you are to me.Comforter a name that fits so perfectly.Peace that passes all understandingComforter is who you are to me

verse2:To the grieving family who weeps for loved ones
gone.The pain of separation consumes another home.On the waves of sorrowYou walk with perfect easeComforter is who the whole world needs

Repeat chorus: You are comforter that's who you are to me.Comforter a name that fits so perfectly.Peace that passes all understandingComforter is who you are to me.

Peace giver, Life changerJoy giver, Peace riverWaymaker, Life changerPeace giver, Joy giver

The changes

I've decided to make a few changes in my life, some are drastic while others are minor. I know that change is not easy......but i will try and fail and laugh at myself for atleast trying.

....stay ..tuned...

Last weekend was fun…lots of fun. After lots planning and scheming (all legal) we met on Sat morning to begin our shopping spree!!! We enjoyed drooling over cute tinny socks and vests and hats…..and…. everything else baby.

Our beautiful mommy to be was surprised, she was happy we where happy!!

Pimping ME!

I woke up this morning and I realised that there is something wrong with me.

In the past few weeks I’ve just been sort of 'drifting along’, I would say I’ll do something and I don’t, and my to do list keeps getting shorter and shorter cause I keep eliminating other stuff for no reason. I've realised that i am not motivated, i get bored at work , i am often late for work (yep). I am lazy, that’s the word. I've been through a lot of emotional strain lately and i think that's what bringing me down but that’s no excuse to let myself fall apart.

The good thing is that I’ve decided to something about it.

My Black President

On Tuensday , once again a black man made history, Barack Obama become the 44th president of America. For most....this was a sign of Hope \, for some it was a needed confirmation that CHANGE is possible and for me , well it was an very emotional event, as i sat and weapt a FEW tears , i could hear Breanda Fassie's 'My Black President' playing at the back of my mind.

Obama's Innaugaration was not just a political event, as his appointment challeged racial norms and shifted perspectives on the capabilities of a black man , an African man. It proved that we can be MORE than just what the world expect us to be, more than what WE believe we can be.

If a man born of a Kenyan father , can become head of state of America , can you imagine what another Kenyan man/woman can do, what another African man/woman can do , can you imagine what YOU can do? The possibilities are endless.

Mandela set the example , Obama followed...what are you waiting for my friend?....

A Brand New Day

This post is inspired by the late Lebo Mathosa's song " its a brand new day"

I'm back at work, the first few days where the hardest...i miss my little girl terribly...Last week i spend all my time staring at her pictures.I am going to see her in few days time...its actully weeks) but it feels a lot better when i say days. With every sun rise ...every (brand) new day i miss and love her more. I' can't wait for the day when we will dance to the track , and celebrate life. It is in deed a brand new adventure for us. Life's good!!

One step at a time

I tried to plan my life once…I had a perfect list; I went like School, Perfect job,
Perfect house, perfect car, and perfect man and then perfect babies. Some one very wise once said: “in the midst of the planning and the counting …..Life happens” and so it did.

I came to a sad realisation that “perfect” does not exist...and that broke my heart. So... does that mean that I should no longer have expectations…..no I think not, I think it means that I should not restrict myself to a particular outcome ….. I should just plunge and hope for the best and who knows I might receive or experience more than I expected

Tonight I sit here, next to my daughter who came before the house, the car, THE job, and the wedding and I have no words to express how divine this moment is, it is close to perfect.
Although I could not get every thing in “perfect” order, I’m at peace knowing that, yes….I can’t know it all but I can do my best and take pleasure in every moment. From today I will not plan….. I will let go and let GOD

One step at a time

I tried to plan my life once…I had a perfect list; I went like School, Perfect job,
Perfect house, perfect car, and perfect man and then perfect babies. Some one very wise once said: “in the midst of the planning and the counting …..Life happens” and so it did.

I came to a sad realisation that “perfect” does not exist...and that broke my heart. So... does that mean that I should no longer have expectations…..no I think not, I think it means that I should not restrict myself to a particular outcome ….. I should just plunge and hope for the best and who knows I might receive or experience more than I expected

Tonight I sit here, next to my daughter who came before the house, the car, THE job, and the wedding and I have no words to express how divine this moment is, it is close to perfect.
Although I could not get every thing in “perfect” order, I’m at peace knowing that, yes….I can’t know it all but I can do my best and take pleasure in every moment. From today I will not plan….. I will let go and let GOD

tic toc

There is only 3 weeks to go …..then I’ll pack my bag and go back to jo’burg.i have mixed feeling about going back to work….but more so about leaving my daughter behind.

In the last few month she became my world, my everything…and I ask myself if she is my all.....why would I want to leave her, Why would I want to be more than 6 hours away? Except from my job there is really nothing that I’m rushing to, and that breaks more than my heart.

she is here

Waiting

20 Augugst 2008

The time has arrived…..there is only a few days to go…..I’m anxious and a bit impatient. The waiting is not easy …..it is like waiting for a bus on the day of a national workers strike…..not knowing if its coming or not. I thought she would come earlier, but it seems she is still enjoying the nestling comfort of my tummy ( blush)

Everybody with experience has told me how painful labor is…. ( grrrrr…) I wish there was an easier way (sigh!). One thing I know for sure is that I am ready to push… knowing that every pain, every contraction will bring my Angel close to me. I can’t wait to cuddle her, kiss her, feed her and just look at her pretty little face.

It has been a very long but worthy journey, one that I will not think twice to embark …but not in the near future. I have absolutely no regrets and I’ve loved carrying a life inside me. That made me like an incubator, I was able to protect and nurture a baby for 9 months and that makes me a proud mother.

During this time I learned so much about myself, I got to discover my inner strength, I found other dimensions of life…..which I am ready to explore.

I never thought in my life that I will ever eagerly look forward to pains, Yepp!! , that’s what I’m waiting for , stabbing…..sharp pains as my labor contractions starts…….tic toc tic toc…

Suprise...and she ran away!!

I took the keys out of my bag, opened the door.....my feet where killing me....i needed some sleep...and then.....A loud scream erupted as I stepped into the house...SUPRISE!! Out of shock I ran for the door, screaming. Well running away was a big mistake because i get teased about it all the time and I laugh at myself too....

Lungile and Admire ...you are the Best for organising yet another surprise for me , Ntebaleng, Princess, Thabile , Nozipho , Tuliswa , Thandi , Ouma, Nozipho and Lady.....thank you for coming , thank you for the gifts and thank you for making the day so special. And to my friends who could not make it(Lizzie, Mbali, Anna, Nomthandazo , Nonhlanhla, Kobela and Phethile)....I appreciate your efforts.

A movie day that turned into a baby shower!

My friends came by my place for movies a few weeks back.....little did i know that they had a suprise planned for me. They brought lots of pressies for me and the baby.I'm very gratefull to have them as friends. Thank you gals.

Meet My baby.....

Last week Monday was a big day, i got a chance to see my lil' Angel. Thanx to techonolgy i saw my baby's pretty lil smile. ohh i could not believe it. She was sitting in there ......playing with the umbilical cord, turning and twisting and yawning....... it was a real miracle.

Soon i will hold her in my arms....I am blessed to have her....

Where do i start?

It’s been long since my last post. It has been very hectic...... I’m still recovering from my long weekend in Mpumalanga and I had lots of fun.....

My mood was however dampened by the news that Mugabe is the "winner" of the Zimbabwean Presidential "Election". I was crossing my fingers for a miracle for the people of Zim, but I’m starting to loose hope. Robert has done it again....despite concerns/suggestions/warnings/ from the AU, the UN and the media. Is there really nothing that any of us can do ???? well i guess there isn't.

I've been enjoying shopping and getting ready for my baby's arrival.... I just never thought I’ll need so many things! The shopping list is long, and it keeps getting longer and longer....Now i know what the mean when they say babies are expensive.

Work has been less hectic....i finally have time to read my mail and have lunch away from my desk (phew!!).

I'm looking forward to my antenatal classes.....I can just imagine..... a group of pregnant women in one room....chatting about cravings , sleepless nights , swollen feet ...breastfeeding.... and constantly rushing to the loo ( blush)..... I’ve been skipping the classes for a while now.... but now I really can't miss them, unless I want to go into motherhood unprepared...how uncool is that??

She is a Superstar in the making

Ladies and Gentlemen ...i present to you Mpho. Young ...sweet..and obvioulsy far from shy.

I call her Mphoza....and this is not your avarage 6 year old , she already knows how to switch on a laptop ( yes ! she knows the password ) to view her photos and to find her favorite game (bubbles)..and.....she is an actress in the making....her dream is to act in SA's popular soapie Generations and to board a plane. I have no doubt she will achieve all this and more.....

I love her to bits......

Out with the old

The breeze of winter is getting closer; its time for the summer clothes to move out of the cupboards and for the jackets and boots to take up centre stage. For me...well it is time to go shopping for maternity winter wear (ohhhh) ....my old winter clothes will just have to wait for next year's chilling season.

I do hope we get some snow this year , I’ll have my camera ready to capture the white sheet of ice balls, that is if I’m not in the maternity ward screaming my lungs out. lol.

The end if this winter will mark the beginning of a new Era for me in many ways.” I’ll have a new outlook on life" I am told. I'll have new responsibilities - that for sure. I’ll be moving up the corporate ladder - I hope (WE are working on it) , One thing I know for sure is that there’ll be no “kung fu” practices in my tummy – I will miss them though...

While we all get ready for winter, let’s hope that Eskom is also following suite, or we are in for a trembling shock, but i guess something will not change..... Like the weather does

Update

A lot has happened since my last post. I am proud to anounce that i'm soon going to be a mother, something that i never imagined would happen so soon.At first i saw this baby as hinderens to my dreams,an incoveniece, bad timing in many ways. In my perfect fairy tale a lot more should have happend before i reach this point.

I have made peace with the fact that i'm not the ONE in charge and that things happen in God's order. Everytime this baby moves inside me, i feel God's might and power present in me.

my summer beads

This summer was bright, bold and colorful, all thanks to my beads (lol),now I’m even more inspired to create more of Ladyjam’s couture.

I’m seeing a potential client next weekend and if all goes well I could be making accessories for a traditional wedding in March. I’m busy putting together a catalog and here is some of the stuff I’ll use

I would really love to hear from you , please leave a comment for me , or send me a mail on ladyjam@webmail.co.za

2008 Rands.

Happy New Year!! I hope everyone is still safe and sound.

2008 is here to stay and it is another opportunity to improve ourselves, correct our mistakes and live our lives to the best of our ability!

I only have one new years' resolution this year (Yes!!) and it is to make money.My sister says my resolution scares her, she thinks I’ll get obsessed with money and not get a chance to live.

I am not about to rob the bank (although that is an easy option) or join the ladies at President Street (gasp), I am simply going to put on my entrepreneurial cap and start attracting money to my direction.

I spent about 80% of my monthly income, then I save some and the remainder gets chowed by my bank, and even the amount I save, I spent later in the year. So at the end I end up with no money to my name.

I want this year to be different; I want to make money and lots of it. If I’m going to be a millionaire by 30 I need to start now. I’m looking at shares, bonds and the property market.

I’m tired of being middle class; I want to be wealthy. Don’t you?

2008 here i come

Phew! what a ride.... The end of yet another year is in a few weeks. 2007 was great, and i have a hunch 2008 can only get better.

I thank the Lord for my life and all the blessings i recieved.

the begining of the end

a shartered dream , a lost love and a pearcing pain
thats my today
and it is wrong
it is unlike in my dream
it can't be real

is this the END?
it is ...
if i accept it as is ..

Just for me!

I made myself a necklace for a special occasion (my SAP certification) and it is my favorite accessory so far!

giving it life ........with beads

Bag of beads!! I put a few beads on this bag and i turned it into a real stuner!!

The embroided beauty

ordinary to exra-ordinary

I bought a plain denim skirt from one of the retail stores and i transformed it , the ladyjam way......

stay tuned for the pictures............

Crazy about beads!

I wear beads almost everyday these days and i do this for two reasons, to accessorise and to advertise my creations. I am walking advert!!

I am crazy about beads ( it seems i am crazy about a lot of things this days), i just love beads. I have made so many bracelets and necklaces and earrings, i can have one for each day of the month.

To place an order for any of the above pattens or any other pattern drop me an e-mail on ladyjam@webmail.co.za

mission accomplished

I walked into the walls of Cida City Campus in 2002.... excited and nervous...., not sure what to expect, and it turend out to be a the greatest journey of my life, yet.

Last week I attended The ICT certification ceremony, and walked into the walls of Cida once more (After almost a year -I am ashamed of myself),and this time with excitement, and the mission was clear- to collect my last certificate . The certificate will add to an array of many of my Achivements while at Cida.

I say mission accomplished , because i can now safely say my journey at Cida has come to an end, or should i say my jouney as a Cida Student has ended.

Season to read !!

The end of the year is a few days away, and it's time to be jolly and marry.For some it's time to party, and for most of us.... it is time rest and spend quality time with family and loved ones.

Finally I’ll get time to myself ... and then I will catch up on my reading.Last week i came across a second hand bookshop that is surprisingly affordable and the books are still a very good condition. ( See attached pic).

I got myself 11 books ( I can just see your expression now, ha!) , Yes I am a bookworm ( to the core) surprising enough i still have time to do all my crocheting and my blog , I work almost 10 hours a day and i have a social live! Amazing, ne?

Creating my world 2

In the last few weeks i had some time to crotchet some more and this is what came out of it.