You cannot run away from yourself

I has been ages
and I am still around
I am still the same girl with big dreams
I still have a lot to say about everything
I still want to travel and take pictures
make new friends and learn new languages
I still want to write and read more books.
To tell my life story to everyone who will listen
Hopefully inspire a few people and give them hope
I still want to get closer to the ONE who created me
to follow HIS path and live a life that pleases HIM


It has been ages
and I am still around
some things have changed
but i am still that village girl
who wants to make a difference in the world.

It has been ages
but I am back!!
Because i have realised that I cannot run away from myself!!

Ladyjam

I promise......

I am writing this post for 3 Reasons

1. To keep my many promises to Lutu, I have been saying I will update my blog, so here we are today my love :-) .

2. To keep a promise made to myself - I have committed, to myself,  that I will write at least once a month, I know this means I will write only 12 posts a year, but that is must better that nothing a year. :-)

3. To make another promise - I will start pursuing a writing career, even if it means I write articles for publications at no charge. I need a platform to learn and grow my craft, yes it is a craft, writing is my retirement plan, I know for sure that it is only a matter of time before my ‘words’ start paying for the electricity bills...lol

Ladyjam creations 30.07.2014

 

uzo ithola kanjani

It is true that nothing changes until you change, until you change the way you think, they way to do things, until you take action, nothing will change.

All our dreams, hopes, goals and desires will only materialise once we make our move, until then, they are just nice pictures in our heads, or just list of things in our journals.

So today, i resolve to taking action, to making things (my dreams) happen, because i know that i won't get anything/or get anywhere withOUT somekind of effort on my part.

''I am the one, i have been waiting for.''

do baby steps count for something?

I stop; i am breathing heavily, almost out of breath, i try to take one more step, but it seems I’m fixed to the ground, i keep reminding myself to ‘‘breathe in and out''. In the background about 11 women are running effortlessly, going for their 9 lap and here i am on 'my way' to finish my fifth. I start walking, and then i hear the whistle, the lifesaving whistle, my dear friend whistle and it is the best sound ever, since i joined boot camp that is, it is a signal that we are done for the day. PHEW.

We then assemble to do some very painful stretches, followed by a loud 'whooo haaa' and then we say 'cheers' aka goodbyes and then leave.

16:30 On my way home i ask myself questions about why i felt in necessary to put myself through soo much pain and suffering and humiliation, who am i trying to fool thinking i can do boot camp while i failed at doing gym.
‘i am not doing soo bad, am i? – Reply: ‘you are, you are slowing everyone down’

‘If all those people can do it, then i can, can't I’ reply: ‘but they are more fit than you’

‘but i want a loose weight, I know I can do it’ reply ‘hahaha story of your life’

As i turned at the robot, i felt a torando of emotions rishing up....ooh why is this soo emotional for me?

16:55 I get home, i take a bath, i don't feel like cooking, i boil an egg and gem squash, i recheck my eating plan if there is no ice cream or double cream yoghurt in there somewhere...all i see is low fat what what eveywhere...sign

17:40 I eat and then watch a little bit of TV, before i go to bed. I close my eyes to pray, i don't know what to say, I don’t have a gratitude list today. I then say ''Dear father can i please wake up a size 32 or 34 atleast, please God, ohh please''

JUst here..for now

I wonder sometimes, what the point of life is?
are we just here to be born
raised
to be schooled
and to work and buy things?
to build things and then die
and live it all behind?

are we just here to exist?
to be young, then old and then dissapear.

I do wonder...
if there really is a bigger plan for humans than just to be here
for a moment, a few days, a few years
somebody please tell me that we are not just here to make more of ourselves
to avoid human extinction
to re-produce so that we continue the cycle?

Are we just here for each other
to keep each other company?
 to make others laugh, sad, and then make them cry.

I wonder why we come at all...to this place
just for a short while, and then leave
sometimes even before we start living. 

Death be not proud!!

In memory of our cousin, Khomotso Monama, a beautiful soul, gone too soon. RIP

I am back!!

I have not blogged in ages, it has been hectic at work, and still is, BUT me and I have come to an agreement that writing, as my 1st love should and cannot be put on hold for any other reason than when i am sleeping...lol



With that said, you will be hearing a lot from me, there is so much to share, and new things are in pipeline. Besides the hectic-ness of the work front, life has been exciting, wonderful, challenging, stressing and fattening *sigh*, and most importantly life in 2012 has been like walking through a never ending class room, i have grown like a beans stalk....rising up to the sky.

In my hospital bed

Many people admit that they hate hospitals, I am no different. ..If it is not the hospital food, it is the smell of the medicine or the service or the sight of sick people all around you and obviously the fact that being there in the first place means something is wrong.Since 2008 I have been hospitalised 3 times, been in theatre 3 times and been under anesthetic 3 times, so I have been there, done that...

There is nothing as disturbing as the feeling one gets when one is wheeled into theatre full of people , with nothing but hope that they will do a proper job, that by the stroke of God’s mercy they will do a good job on you and you will walk out alive and well.

*coming soon*

Journey to self

It seems 2012 is adamant to hold me to my word, I did say this is the year of ‘SELF’, the year I would follow my heart, do all the things I always wanted to do, look after and out for myself better, and attend to all other matters pertaining to SELF.....20SELF i said, now the universe is pushing and probing and forcing me to open the SELF file and do what I said I would DO

Honestly, there are many things (issues/changes/journeys) I have managed to perfectly ignore pertaining the SELF for many years, I walk past these things, secretly wishing them away, and hoping no one notices, and maybe some never noticed, but as I have come to learn, you cannot run from your SELF and hide anything from yourself for that matter, thus I have come to decision to just go deeper, to find the meaning/message/lessons that I have been only too scared to confront.

There is song that comes to mind that goes something like this ''ohh I've been to Georgia and Carlifonia........i have been to paradise, but I have never been to me''

The journey begins……

Lioness

I held a lion, i huged it, but i dared not kiss it!!


coming soon **

Hello 20SELF

I am grateful for the BLESSing that was 2011 aka 20elevation, i cannot find decent words to express just how beautiful last year was. I thank the gods and the most high Jehova for shinning their light on me.

I have dedicated this year to me, mySELF and I, to making MY DREAMS come true.....and ohh boy do i have lots of dreams :). I realise that it is going to be a very, very busy year.

I pray for strength, will power and wisdom on this journey and most of all i pray for SUCCESS.

The 'other' side

They say all coins have a flip side, i have learned that all humans have a flip side, that i have a flip side too

We went through a difficult time in my family, when of one my sisters lost her child. It was a sad moment for all of us, made worse by other family issues that have been going on for a while.

In the midst, of it all.....Me, the 'CHILD' challanged the elders, as i felt things where not happening the way they should, from where i was standing, i felt it right for me to voice my concerns, only i did not voice them, i screamed them, I threw a tantrum and half , in simple terms i FLIPPED.

Whether i was right or wrong is immeterial, what still blows my mind is the rage, the fired i had in me at that moment, i was unstoppable, it was a the fierceness that still scare me today. I had enough rage in me to start a war.....I still ask myself, 'where did that come from' - was it instict reaction? over-protectiveness maybe? was it EGO? my way of mourning? was it just me casting bottled up issues in the wrong direction?

I have said to many people, that i saw a side of me that i never knew existed, i knew i was not a 'walk over' or 'push over' or whatever it is they call people who are too defensive, but i did not, not ever think that i was capable if taking other people's challenges/journey/learning curve and i that i could make it my primary mission to ressolve them, to the point that i ended up internalising and personalising a collective family challange and made everything ALL about ME.

I dislike what i became that week, I hope that is not who i become in the future when faced with challanges of that magnitude, i hope and pray for wisdom to discern MY place in every situation, and should i have something to say, May i say it in such a way that i leave no scars.

Goodbye to a Strong woman

My mother's best friend passed on, her passing was such a shock to many as she was a STRONG woman, i think we all expected her to keep going on forever, she was like a mother to me, she raised me and my sister and my cousins and practically the whole community, she was a home-based care giver, a loving woman, full of laughter and did i mention that she was a STRONG woman.

I did not know what to say to my mother, i called everyday before the funeral and each time i was just lost for words, they had a special kind of friendship, it was like they where twins, if my mother was not home, we knew the 1st place to look for her. I remember making tea for them while growing up, how i dreaded making that tea, now i wish i had made them more tea, with bigger smile on my face. But time is thief, it takes from us the ones we cherish most....I will never forget the look on my mother's face at the funeral, i was more sad for her than anything else.

This is the woman that introduced me to Jesus and Christianity, she took me and my sister to church with her and she persuaded my mother for me and my sister to get baptised at the Roman Catholic church, and she 'forced' us to attend sunday school. We used to recite the Rosary with her, and go on church trips together. She came to my high school with my mom for most of my speech contests, she encouraged me to further my studies and would always ask how things are in the big City, now tell me.......where do find people like that?

I will always remember the warmth of her heart and the joy in her laughter.

May her soul REST in peace!!

Even Princesses WALk

A day before her 3rd birthday,Siba 'walked' for 3 km, this is the day she saw many many scooters.... *coming soon*

Finding my feet

I saw an advert for a bank the other day that said '' Once you find you feet, reward them with shoes''. How does one find their feet, i mean hello, i was born with these two feet and there aren't more coming?

Finding your feet is a term widely used to describe ''when one is learning what to do and becoming more comfortable in an environment, new job,new home, new country, new baby. It is getting to know the robes, or settlelling in.

For the most part of the few years i have roamed the earth, i was just a girl from a small village somewhere at the bottom of Africa....a light skinned, chubby girl....i had a name, but i did not quite have an identity, and yes i was just roaming.

Some people might refer to this roaming as 'moving with the crowd', there is nothing wrong with it, the problem here is i moved with ANY crowd, i went wherever they went, agreed with everything they said, laughed at what ever they lauged at (even when i was the joke), i wore what they said was cool and i spoke to please (them), and i am not refering to a specific group here, this happened at school, in my neighbourhood, this 'roaming' followed me to Vasity and allas it made it's way all the way up to my office and my relationships....*big whoah*

Other people's likes and dislikes become mine, their choices became mine, their voice became mine, their feet became mine - so i was a lots child so to say, there where moments where i was myself, but for the most part i was marching on someone else's path...i was just a girl from a small village somewhere at the bottom of Africa....a light skinned. , chubby girl.


*come back soon to read about how i found my feet, my voice and my curves*

Writer's Curse

Writer’s Curse

I am many things at different times
A toggle between ego-full and humble
A careful tip-toe between human and proudly woman
Neither one right nor wrong at any time
I am the many faces that sometimes confuse, even ME

I’m not ‘what’ anyone thinks I ought to be
I am ‘something’ between the world’s conformity nod and the insanity of my pen
Many times over, I have had to edit-out society’s ‘voice’ from my ‘who am I’ story
Re-wrote some words
Bolded some, Deleted some

We can say, I am what the words in my head permit me to be
When they come calling.....
I know not to ignore them
I dance to their buzz and bow to their thud
I have found a home in-between many blank pages

You see, I write to ease the ache of ‘verbs and nouns’ from my conscious
I am a bunch of words longing for some rest
These words hold the keys to the prison for the artist in me
My pain’s end is in MY giving-into their command
JOY rushes in, once my fingers start tapping.....

I am poet, a blogger, a columnist, a novelist, a critic, an avid-reader...a LOVER of words.
At any moment....my ‘I am-ness’ can be defined by my reaction to the words’ call
I walk around with a pen in hand, for I’m forever writing......my OWN story
I write myself into existence
I am who the words SAY I am

I THINK, i am writer

Copywrite : ladyjam productions

If I were Malema, I would have a trust fund too

Picture by Agnes waga Mashao - Courtesy of Ladyjam productions

Let’s say I was the president of the ANC youth league, (minus the chubby cheeks ne’) and I had tenderpreneur wanna-be’s constantly knocking on my door trying to buy political favour from me, let’s not forget that I am a father, in my thirties, earning ‘R20 000’ pm, with a job that has an expiry date (ANCYL policies classifies a ‘youth’ as any individual under the age of 35)…. let us ALSO not forget that I am NOT everybody’s favourite person in South Africa and in Britain of-course– on top of that I also have a love-hate relationship with my boss and the media…..what do you think I would do?

What would YOU do?

One thing I know for sure is that, I would not print and enlarge section 13 of the Prevention and Combatting of Corrupt Activities Act 12 of 2004 and put it on a large frame and display it in my living room.

As a Youth, my aspiration would simply not allow me…. and like many SA youth with an exquisite taste for ‘le-good-life’, a life that a ‘R20 000’ salary cannot afford, I would resort to ‘other’ means to fund the lifestyle of my dreams, the lifestyle like that of children of CEO’s and mine moguls.

But …while the rest of my fellow ‘beeg dreamers’ rush to the banks for yet another credit card – I would simply open my door for the tenderprenuers… invite them for coffee, and we then we would go about discussing a mutually beneficial relationship - the results of which, would be TRUST fund, a ‘charitable’, tax compliant TRUST fund. There would be no violence...just a group of adults extending a helping hand to one another...like ‘borrowing sugar from your neighbour’.

I am glad I am not Malema, I am glad the court has not declared me a ‘public figure’, and I am most certainly happy Ferial Haffajee does not want to publish my financial statements, because low and behold, what an embarrassment it would be – for my lifestyle is purely sustained by my ‘overdrawn’ credit card – I wish I had other means, you know, something like a TRUST FUND.

ladyjam productions

Siba's birthday month

Something odd happened yesterday, i woke up with the idea/thought/feeling of wanting to buy Siba a kite - and even making one if i can't find it in the stores....i had a clear picture in my mind of the size, colour and parttern of the kite. I don't even even know if 3 year olds even fly kites...i don't even know if i liked kites as a kid...all I have is a faint memory of myself and my sister flying a home-made kite, that's all, i've never had any kind of fascination with kites, but where did the thought come from,

It wasn't untill the following day that i managed to solve the kite mystery, i had been watching a very interesting movie over the weekend, and i wanted to watch it again after work on monday, so i turned on the TV and stated palying the movie, an hour or so into the movie, i see a kite, the very same kite that's bee nstuck in my mind, the kite i want to get for Siba....i could not stop lauging at myself... i still do even today

I realised that sometimes we see things without even seeing them, these things get stored in our subconsins. I had not noticed the kite in the movie, but i saw it, i just did not register it - i wonder how many times something like this happens? I wonder how many things i don't pay attendtion to....because i am preoccupied and fail to be present in the moment,for all i know i could be missing a whole lot

Walk for life

I was introduced to fun walks by Thandi Tlaka (the unofficial ambassador of the Spar ladies marathon), when she invited me and our other friends to the Spar ladies marathon in 2009 - I walked for 5km, and it was the longest and most painful walk...ever!!

I was in the worst form physically and emotionally - so I guess I cannot entirely blame my body for failing me on that day, it was bound to happen, that’s what happens when you neglect your health...but something wonderful happened on that day, I fell in love with FUN WALKS - the vibe, fitness aspect, the comedy (some men wore dresses and stilettos) - the idea of taking time, to walk the streets with a group of people, gave me a sense of community, of common purpose......and that's why 'I walk' even to this day....

I have been to a few 5km walks/races since then, and yesterday I pushed the bar a little bit, I walked 8km at the Discovery/702 Walk The Talk in 1hr, 43 minutes (can we have a moment of silence please...lol) I did it, and I felt no pain what-so-ever....I am highly impressed with my fitness level. *winks*

I look back to that day, at the Spar marathon and it gives me so much joy knowing that I made a committed to change my fitness form, and I worked very hard to see THE day when 8k's is just a walk in the park (pat on the back!!!)

One day I am going to start running, I want to run a 30km marathon, that's my ultimate goal. I am most certain it will not be like 'a walk in the park' but I am willing to bear the blisters and soreness of it, most importantly i am looking forward to the JOY at the finish line!!

Dear Mandela

It saddens me that your birthday has turned into a commercial spectacle, ridiculed to the levels of Valentine’s Day. People visit charity homes for 67min, pose for pictures and plaster them on social networks, and then declare that act, a ‘heartfelt THANK YOU, to you, for the scarifies you have made for this country. The captains of Mandela day continue to collect millions in donations…while feasting on croissants and cheese, at the many functions organized in your name.

I can’t help but wonder, if this is all that is left of your legacy.

Sir, what really bothers me is the fact that no one seems to remember you as the man who abandoned his law firm, and his family, to join a struggle against oppression – a rebel of the past regime, a man who actively participated in a plot to overthrow the government, a criminal in the eyes of the De-Klerk government – am I the only one who feels that the man you where before you choose ‘peace’, the leader of Umkhoto we sizwe, the warrior in you, I am referring to that part of you that was prepared to kill for our freedom…am I, the only one who thinks that...’That’ part of you is somehow being scratched out of our history, and is being replaced by a ‘Santa clause’ like hero , who has a foundation for poor African kids.....a hero who avoided a civil war, much to the relief of the minority?

This ‘selective biased view’ of you, that we are being fed, for the comfort of others, upset me dearly. I want my daughter to know the man you are by the definition of the choices you made prior/during the Treason trial, I want her to understand the values of the man who co-signed the Freedom Charter, I want her to see the impact of making the ‘choice that matters’ from when you choose to revolt instead of being an ‘obedient’, peace seeking citizen. I want her to know you before prison stole your life.

I am still trying to figure out how 67years can disappear into 67minutes, how a life time of a collective struggle for the liberation of an African Nation can disappear into BEE, how the entire legacy of a Xhosa warrior can be captured in his second language – how a movie about the same man can be centred around a sport he never played, I am still trying to figure out how freedom to walk ‘dompass-less’, on a land you STILL do not own can be substituted for REAL Freedom – I hope one day I will find a satisfactory answer to these questions, if only just for my own sanity.

Happy birthday Comrade!! That’s who you will always be to some of me, a non-conformist, a catalyst for change, a selfless servant who gave up his entire life – WITHOUT COUNTING THE MINUTES!!

copywrite: Ladyjam Productions

My visit to Cida City Campus

the students - doing their thing!! MTN T-shirts are still the BOMB



My Alumni T-shirt - Yippie

I was at Cida Park this past Saturday for a cleaning campaign and motivational session; organised by the current SRC members - I must say Cida has changed so much, apart from the recent location change (move to Cida Park)..... the environment, the student culture, the operations and the Cida ‘family’ vibe...... is just not the same...but change is not all bad.Cida, now has sports grounds, lecture halls, a dining hall and a number of residences, including the Oprah girl's residence and the Dell Foundation Boy's residence.

I remember my 1st day at Cida vividly, like it was yesterday, it was a big day - now almost 10 years later, i am a graduate, a professional in my own right, and I am living my dream, well almost, but i have made it.

During my visit, I was overwhelmed by the current state of affairs at Cida, there has been soo many strikes, and at some point the electricity was cut off due to non-payments. What really got to me is the fact that JUST like in past, the students are uncertain of their future, they live in fear that the institution may close at any moment, all this is still happening besides Cida having produced more than 5000 Graduates, whom some are managers, consultants, business owners and specialists in various fields.

It seems the success of the graduates, which is ultimately the success of Cida is not known to the current Cida students - The Graduates are invincible, as a result Cida remains invincible!!

Come to think of it, I just grabbed what Cida had to offer and left without giving anything back. I owe Cida a lot of gratitude for laying down the fondation for my career, for giving me hope. I an however not saying that anyone should feel indebted or obliged to give back, neither do I wish to convicne anyone to dedicate their entire life to Cida – ALL i am saying is - as a graduates, we are in a position to make a positive contribution towards the sustainability of Cida City Campus - in a quest to ensure that the gift of free education does not end with US (the former students)!!

The Cida Alumni Association is available to facilitate the efforts, so we have the platform, all we have to do is make an effort, it can be a few hours of you time, or you can send a note with words of encouragement, or you can mentor a student or offer your skills to assist in the running of the campus!!

There is no limit to how much one can give, there is not limit to the number of lives YOU can change - together we can!!

Prayer - Thapelo

Last night I prayed
Not for God to give me assurance of a beautiful future

But I prayed for courage, so that I can face whatever future is coming my way

Last night I prayed

Not for God to ‘roll out the happiness carpet for me’
I prayed for a meaningful life, so I can live each moment to the fullest

Last night I prayed, for wisdom, so that I will always know that no matter what happens, God will never leave my side!!

Ladyjam productions

Agnes is in a complicated relationship ------ with meat

So my sister just woke up one day and decided that her relationship with meat is over, and it has been 2 months and she has not had a relapse, not even once.......if that’s not serious WILL power...i don’t know what is

But why can't I, a die-hard vegetarian wanna, seem to not get it right, I’ve drafted plans, I’ve set targets, changed my menu, bought meatless groceries, but my taste buds always find their way to the nearest chisa nyama :). I have tried everything in my power to 'wean' off meat, but alas, i had spaghetti and MINCE just the other day :( and this morning I took the chicken out of the freezer for supper - ##I can almost see the roast....ahahhhaha

Maybe I am not ready, maybe I am too addicted to meat, maybe I am just being rebellious *typical me* mara whatever it is, I need to get to the bottom of it...... soon

Until then, I continue eating meat, with guilt the size of the Atlantic ocean ----

A Tribute to my mother !!

Heroic measures


Not all heroes need to wear funny costumes and jump from one building to the next, cause
Some hero don’t need choreographed stunts to get a standing ovation
I know a hero
That has moved heaven and earth for me, in the absence of ‘camera, lights, action’
On countless accassions, she wiped my tears and painted a smile on my face with a single stroke of her magic wand


Not all heroes need to wear funny costumes and jump from one building to the next, cause
Some hero’s perform miracles with their feet safe on ground,
My hero has the ability to speak wisdom to crazy situations
she can see invincible light in people
She taught how to hold my head up to the sky
and told me I could be anything I wanted to be, and look at me now


Not all heroes wear funny costumes and jump from one building to the next, and thank God
Cause , I don’t think a spiderman suit will do her justice
She wears a smile on her face the size of Africa, and that’s enough
My hero, Is an ordinary woman who watches soapies and likes Tyler Perry movies
She makes the best ‘samp and beans’ in the whole wide world
And she is my mother

SAMA what???

I'm talking about THEEEEE SAMA awards -- yes i was there, with ma crew and the pics speaks for themselves :)

Me, Kgomotso, Malose, Koena

Why should i vote

I am glad the election season is over, for a moment there South Africans forgot about the rainbow nation that is if the rainbow nation is not just an illusion. The level of tolerance for one another was shocking..... name calling was 'normal'...... i watched in amazement as all the political party leaders said the most horrifying things, they made it their mission to expose shortcomings of the opposition and this was evident with the open toilet saga - pheww!!

‘Politics is dirty business’, that's what my history teacher used to say, and it gets worse when race is dragged into the picture - I admit that it is impossible in South Africa and perhaps in most parts on the world world for race not to be a factor is politics, this is due to the history of oppression of people with a darker skin color – let me hold is there, as this is an issue I do not wish to discuss on this platform.

My problem is that, I get a feeling that in all the elections , especially the local municipality elections, people are ‘incited’ to feel that they have an obligation to vote for their 'freedom' instate of voting for service delivery, which is the issue at hand. I don’t know if I am making sense, but with democracy being relatively new (for blacks) and there is a lingering 'fear', fuelled by political parties, that they people will lose their freedom if they don't vote 'correct'.....So voting becomes a 'safe guarding' measure for their valued Freedom…….in other words, to hell with service delivery.

Honestly, I feel that the ruling party has reached a political ‘comfort zone’ – I think they don’t see a need to deliver the necessary services to the community, especially poor communities because come voting time – all they need to do is 'tell' people to for Mandela, or Biko's legacy, people are reminded of the pain of the struggle.

I do not wish to disregard the efforts, struggle, pain and suffering of our struggle heroes, I do not wish to take away anything from what they fought so hard for – I for one,is very grateful for the freedom I enjoy today, but SA citizens deserves far better than what we are getting, let me say the poor, the unemployed, crime victims and tax payers deserve way better than what the government is offering or willing to do!!

I want to live, to see the day when leaders will serve their communities to the fulfilment of their promises (manifesto) – I want leaders to stop this silly power struggle and start working towards creating a better South Africa – so that when we vote for them, we get our vote’s worth!!

For now, i aint voting for no ONE!!

Give me a sign

I was minding my own business on the bus on my way to work, when a gal who was sitting next to me tapped me on the shoulder handed me her cell phone. She had type a message asking if the bus we were on was going to Johannesburg hospital, I was still puzzled ...THEN it finally hit me - she is either deaf or dumb or both , that’s when the reality of sign language dawned on me - it was this incident that inspired me to write the poem below:

In crowded spaces

When silence is all there is

People, moving soundlessly....In numbing mute-ness

When all you have is a nod, a shake Or a throw of hands in the air

Just give me a sign

When language barriers are sky high

And words are likely to betray you

When the world stares clueless...

In that moment of uncertainty

Give me a sign

Give me a sign when your heart is joyful

When your spirit is dancing to the melody of life

When saying it is just not enough

When I am here,

and you are there

In places were words can’t reach

You can give me a sign

a nod or shake A throw of hands in the air In rhythm

All I need is a sign

ladyjam produtions. 05.04.2011

Weave-less

As you all know, i have recently cut my hair and i intend to keep it short and natural for the rest of the year.

Daughter of mine

A few weeks back i put this up as my facebook status, i woke up with soo much gratitude and love for my baby gal.

I have been blessed

By your many smiles

And the look of wonder in your eyes

By your first steps

Your first words

I am blessed

By the excitement in your voice

By your careless laughter

By the life lessons you open my eyes to

…I am blessed to have you

Daughter of mine!!

what inspires me

I am a woman with loads of dreams

some big and some small

and each day I strive towards my desired destiny

I want to set foot in every countryin the world

and take pictures of everything and everyone…

I am a woman who embraces her challenges

and sits for coffee with her weaknesses

and talk light into them.

I am a woman who has had to let go of so much

and still finds her cup half full

I am a woman who smiles,

because the opposite is just too ugly…

I dream of writing about my triumphs my joy, my challenges

and my journeys around the world.

Did I mention…..

that I am happiest when I am with my pen and paper;

I am inspired most when I am writing…..

when I am pouring my heart and soul into words.

I AM a published author in the making!!

ladyjam Productions

A thousand splendid suns

Women are phenomenal, i have said this many times and i say it again, we are awesome.....in the face of war, in the face of betrayal, of hurt, of loss, of pain......through it all....we rise, again and again.

I am reading a book based in the war stricken Afghanistan, where survival is key. The situation is dangerous, desperate and hopeless and yet two women who meet under unfortunate circumstances find themselves knit in a web of love......like mother and daughter.

*coming soon*

striking a pose...

I was fooling around (what's new..lol) with my cousin. She took the pics while i tried my best poses...and i think we might just have the next Naomi Champell in the house.... (non-skinny Naomi...let me add)

EAT PRAY LOVE

After watching the movie 'EAT, PRAY, LOVE' I strongly believe that books should never be made into movies, never. #selfish bookworm.....coming soon!!

so you think you can dance?

My aunt is getting married in a few weeks, and i'm one of the bridemaids (panic!!).I was told that I HAVE to practice steps (wedding dance moves, i tell you)....but because I am in Johannesburg and everybody else is in Polokwane, it is impossible for me to practice with everybody else.

In the face of this tricky situation, I decided to try it out.......on my own.I went and bought one of those wedding songs dvd's (desperate times….) and I thought all i had to do was play it, and ‘do like they do’, alas! it is not as easy as that, my step counting and my turns and my hip sways are still like that of a white gal (not disrespect), sadly!!

why must it be soo complicated....mara why?

Not Vegetarian.......i'm now on Vegan (big sigh)

why do I always set unrealistic goals for myself….. Mara why?

I have a wish to become a vegetarian; I know it is not going to be easy,because I am soo addicted to meat it is not funny….I want to do it, and I know I can!

BUT I do NOT want to be a raw vegan…..

A few weeks ago a friend of mine who is a raw vegan asked (on facebook) if there is anybody who would like help/support with going vegan, I was one of the 1st people to say ‘me, me me'
#typical me, always eager for a new challenge!

Raw vegan means : no animal products in food, clothing i.e no meat, no leather shoes or leather handbag, no leather interior for my ‘Land Rover’ either lol, no milk in my muesli , no eggs, no yoghurt…(cause it has milk) and no cheddar cheese EVER?

All you eat is fruits and vegetable… and you eat atleast 70% of them in their raw form. I will have cucumber sandwiches for breakfast and will be chewing on lettuce leaves and carrots for lunch, and then lettuce and raw tomatoes with carrot and a apple smoothly for supper and snack on nuts. I don’t know about you, but this sounds really absurd (with due respect)

I sat puzzled and asked myself…Have I lost my mind? Am I trying to prove some kind of point? if so, to whom? am I just acting ‘out’?But aint I too old for acting ‘out’? is this a phase?Is it mid-life crises already, soo soon…hehhhe Or have I really just lost my mind?

I know my health will befit from eating less meat or no meat at all, I know the environment will benefit if we all ate less meat, mara, do I have to start leaving on raw cabbage, celery, ground ginger and green salad with no feta cheese for the rest of my life?

On that note; I have decided, I have actually realised (after I went to a ‘chisa nyama’ the same day I had said I want to be a raw vegan) that I don’t want to be a vegan, I am not ready for it!

Bigger than US

There was a big halo around the sun today.....what an amazing sight. We all watched in awe, at the incredible phenomenon....i still can't get over the magnificence of it all !!

I stood there and thought, is God looking at us? is some-ELSE looking at us? are aliens coming? Is this the end of the world? My thoughts where running wild and I was anxious and excited, I was even starting to fidget (lol) Then someone announced that it is just a halo, caused my moisture/ice crystals in the air.... I was soo disappointed at the news...(that's how crazy i am.....lol)

Anyways, to me this was a reminder that there is something/someone out there bigger than us. The fact that this halo happened without human intervention, proves that we are just observers, we can invent all the technology we want, the truth remains - the Universe is bigger than US!!

A crusade of HOPE

I have to admit that i have always been ignorant when it came to cancer....It wasn’t until I watched the movie ‘My sister’s keeper’ that i realised the trauma of cancer on the sufferer and the people close to them.

I have seen many movies, and many read stories of people who had cancer, I even dyed my hair during the Cansa shavathon this year (in support of people with leukemia), but it was the movie 'My suster's keeper" that actully opened my eyes to the pain strikking reality of Cancer.

In this movie....The symptoms, the pain, the suffering, the trauma of it all is so raw, It touched my heart.

I made a resolution early this year, to walk at least 5 marathons per year, and one of the walks I enrolled for was the Avon/Justine cancer walkathon. Before the race i saw a poster (seen above) and I froze in my step when I read what was written on it, ‘Gereth this walk is 4 you’.

To me this translated into , Gereth we are here for YOU, we are going to walk for YOU, because we care for YOU, we love YOU, WE support YOU, we left our plans for YOU, YOU matter to us, we will fight this cancer with YOU, Gereth this walk is for YOU!

I felt my heart move the same way it did when I had watched the movie 'My sister’s keeper'….from that moment on; the 8km I was about to walk was not about me, It was not about my chubby hips or my plum chicks, it wasn’t even about my resolution to walk 5 marathons , it WAS for Gereth.If a group of people can leave their homes to dedicate their time and energy in support of Gereth and all other cancer survivors, why couldn't i, so i walked........ for him, i dedicated my walk to Gereth.I said a prayer for Gereth and all other survivors as i walked.

I walked for a bigger purpose and that was fulfilling!!

I gotta-a-feeling!!

I have the strangest feeling that something big is about to happen to me, like my axis/center is about to shift, or maybe it is just my soul/being yearning for change?

I have had this feeling for a few weeks now. I don't want to say something bad or good is about to happen, because I honestly don't know, I don't know even, if this 'big thing' will happen in small bits or if it will be a 'big bang' kinda change.

I know this might sound weird, or creepy or superstitious, but let me assure you that it is none of that....When I am quiet, when I still my mind and listen......I can feel a shift, almost like a little 'push' and then a voice from inside me asks 'are you ready' and my answer has always been a cheeky ' ready for what'? But last night when I heard the question again, I shocked myself when I blurted out ' God is that you?' i still don't know where that answer came from....

What i know is that, from somewhere inside of me, somewhere deep inside, maybe on the subconscious level, this 'knowing' lingers, this unexplainable knowing, the intuitive knowing.

I have promised myself that the next time i hear the voice, the next time i hear that question i will respond ' yes, i am ready'

ladyjam productions - 26.10.10

Our father who art in the tree

I never knew how deep the feeling of loss can be, I never thought it possible for anyone to be stilled by loss to the point that they would live in a house on the verge of collapse just to hold on to the memory of what has already been lost, I never knew until I read this book.

Summary of the book: After loosing her husband, this mother of three seems to have lost the life in her too. She walks around the house bare foot, gazing into space like she is lost. She doesn’t clean the house, or cook or even bath….that’s how bad it is. The kids had to take over the responsibility of taking care of the house and themselves, they even had to make her take a bath. One day her daughter heard voices coming from the giant tree outside the house, and discovers that it is her father’s voice, she believed that her father is in the tree!! She tells her mother who then start climbing the tree every night, sometimes even sleepingunder the tree ‘ talking to her husband’ .The problem is that this tree is too old and too big it’s roots are starting to crack up the foundation of the house, the house is almost falling apart. The neighbours and relatives are all worried, they advise her to cut down the tree, but she refuses, she doesn’t want let go of the only thing that still connects her to her husband.’

When I started reading this book, this woman made me soo angry, I thought she was stupid, she was weak and that she was a bad mother. I mean how could she leave is a ‘falling’ house and put everyone’s life in danger because of a tree? But because of what I have been through, thank God I didn’t go bare feet and stopped bathing, but because of my experience with loss I came to understand her extreme way of dealing with grief. I came to realise that her pain was real, that she wasn’t dumb, and that she was just a woman trying her best to pick up the pieces of her life after she lost the love of her life. Her children suffered a dearly and that is sad, and they tried their best to help her but she want ready…she just couldn’t let go.

It took a tragedy, a storm that caused part on the house to collapse, for her to realise that her sentimentality to the tree was dangerous, fatal even. It always does take ‘something’ for one to see they are on the wrong path, almost like a wake up call or a sign from God, as if HE is saying, you better let go now, I have another plan for you!!

FaMiLy TiMe!!!

I had the privilege of spending the whole weekend with my family(from my mother’s side), seeing all of us at grandma’s house, all grown up and full of life, still crazy as ever, I wished I could freeze that moment or put it in a bottle, I wanted the joy and laughter to last for eternity.

I tried my best to take pictures of everybody, to catch all the smiles and funny faces and the crazy poses. That was my way of ‘freezing’ the moment.

I took some time over the weekend to put the pictures together into one giant portrait that I will print and frame. The picture will hang on the wall in my grandmother’s lounge; it will serve as a reminder, for generations to come….that once upon a time, we shared a roof, a meal, a smile and a life.

I thank God for all these moments, for they bring out the true essence or life!!

Ladyjam in a white dress

It seems i have fallen inlove with dresses, i just luuuuuuv them. I bought this white little number for a picnic and i think i look great in it, don't you think? :)

Siba turns TWO!!

Can you believe it, my baby gal is two......yeah!

The diary of a 'mad' chubby woman!!

Ok, let's get one thing very clear, I have the highest self worth, I respect myself and my body and I aspire to be as healthy as possible BUT I am not skinny, I was not born that way and I doubt any miracle will happen that would turn me into Cinderella, Tyra Banks or anything resembling the body of a miss world!! I mean really now!

I am very mad at all the prejudice society puts on chubby people, like we are from some wierd planet. I know most people associate skinny with healthy, which makes sense, but don’t sum up my capabilities, both social and professional based on the size of my curves or my butt for that matter.

It is soo unfortunate that we ‘carry’ our fat with us, in full view of everybody, while pedophiles and thugs are able to hide their true nature, therefore they get no judgment or condemnation, they live free of prying eyes and undermining looks. It makes me soo mad.

I was walking (exercise) with my sister and this man looked and us and said ‘the third one (me)wa forsa’ (basically not fit enough to walk)and he laughed!!I went to him and said ‘you know nothing about me, so just shutup’ , I then went on walking.But I was soo discouraged afterwards and I got soo mad. So...does that mean that I’m not fit enough to be considered healthy, and I’m not fit enough to train?

And then....when I joined a fitness challenge at work and someone said ‘you really must loose weight'.I almost lost it, thank God I didn’t. I did ask though ‘who said i need a man’?, I was a little rude, but can you blame me, really?? I know she probably didn't mean to offend me, but it is such words, that can destroy one's confidence and make you feel 'less-than', like there is something wrong with you.

I am mad for me, and all other women and men who are considered lazy and lacking self love because of their body size or shape.I am more mad and scared for my daughter, the mere of thought of her ‘hating’ herself for being chubby and possibly starving herself to be accepted by society puts me on the brink of real madness.

I do not want my baby gal to ever go on yo-yo diets
I don’t not want her to force a small pair of jeans on herself in the fitting room, Never
I do not want her to get obsessed with the scale...
I do not want her to aspire to be like Barbie doll or anything resembling a stereotype of a perfect body
I don’t want her to deprive herself of chocolate, cream cheese or cake if she fells like it
I want her to know she that is made perfect, that she is fine and worthy, as she is
I want her to be healthy and have a healthy (mental) image of herself

It will not be easy for me to raise her to love her body with all it's imperfections because you and I know that people always try to force their views on others, they look at you and box you, before they even hear your story or even your name for that matter!

In the meantime I remain ‘mad’, chubby and fabulous....as Lebo Mashile would say ‘I am sdudla-fabulous’……………….so deal with it!!

3D view

I am battling to get used to my new found 3D view [laughs]; I find it very awkward to have to walk on an exaggerated surface. Apparently it gets better with time, but I really wish I didn’t have to go through this.

As from last week, I wear a pair of eyeglasses (when reading and working), it is necessary as my eyes are starting to fail me (old age alarm..lol). I am glad I don’t have to strain my eyes looking at the computer’s screen and when I read, and the headaches will finally go. (yippie)

I cannot imagine life without my eyesight, getting these glasses made me realise that although I’m short sighted and I hate eye glasses, I am fortunate to be able to see. Something we often take for granted.

I won’t be able to write my book if I can’t see, and the thought of not being able to read (ohh I love reading) terrifies me, I wouldn’t be able to follow my passion for photography either and wouldn’t see all my loved ones, I thank God for my sight.

On a lighter note, I received a pair of stylish Bassie sunglass for FREE, just because I chose Bassie frames for my eyeglasses, so I got rewarded for being proudly South African and proudly woman, ahhh I love it!!

Ohh...how can I forget, Moagi keeps teasing me about my glasses, he looks at me and says ‘you look intelligent’ [laughs]

A journey of 10 000 steps!!!

Becoming a vegetarian is even harder than i thought, for now i have committed to 3 days of no meat in a week, although it is not easy, it is coming on ok. So....i'm onto the next one, I want to go bungee jumping at the Soweto towers in December. (don't be soo shocked, you sohuld be used to this my now) I have saved some money for it, i just have to make sure that i don't suffer a heart attack while at it, i have to get fit, super fit, sooo.....

I decided to start working around the block (8 blocks to be exact) in the afternoon, this time with baggy pants, no more tight fitting bottoms, I’ve learned my lesson (men!!)

I found out that the gym at work is running a fitness challenge, called ‘the 10 000 steps challenge’, so i thought 10 000 step is not too bad, I could reach that within a week or so and win myself a price in the process. After I managed to recruit at least one colleague, we headed to the gym to buy pedometers (step counters) and register for the challenge, with excitement.

The excitement was short lived, it is 10 000 steps per day (ohh my gosh!!), and not 10 000 steps for the entire challenge as I had thought (yeah, yeah)

Now I’m on day 2 and on only 4000 steps. Should I stop? Should I continue? What shall I do?

'Pretty' walk

Me and Admire

I walked a 5km race in a dress, well if that aint fabulous femininity I don’t know what is...lol.Ok, truth be told, we (my sisters and i) where very late for the Totalsports women’s Race and we didn’t have enough time to change and fellow 'racer' where already on the move, sooooo we decided to join in. We subjected ourselves to a lot of stares, comments and giggles, but it was not that bad.

I bumped into my college mates Joleen and Admire, how awesome is that. I might go to the Vodacom challage race this coming Sunday, that is if I’m feeling better, because flu turned me into a ‘zombie’ for 5 days and I’m still feeling a lil sick*ish. Hopefully I won’t be late…. :)

I got home and dressed up...i had to...lol

....and then i lost it!!!!

them gals and the boys

In an attempt to re-live the Fifa world Cup and get a final glimpse of 'Phillip',I decided to go watch the Telkom charity cup @ soccer city.I invited Nozipho and her kids and some friends. We booked 6 tickets for the match and we where all excited......until we got to the Stadium.

Some ‘dimsums’ where sitting (and standing) on our seats, we kindly asked them to move, and the rudeness that came out of them was unbelievable!! The bunch; about 20 or so, of a mixture of boys and girls where drunk and rowdy and where even smoking in public. One of the girls went as far as threaten to 'kick my ass', that’s when I went ballistic, I dared her to try it…..because I would have no one threaten me about something that is rightfully mine, We paid for the seats and we had kids with us for heaven's sake. The weird thing is that everybody around us looked at me like I was being petty for demanding that the people leave, the police where not much help either, to make matter worse....We ended up moving from seat to seat as the owners of the seats would come move us, at some point we where standing by the stairs. I could not believe it, I still don't....it was just insane!!

The fully packed stadium

Anyway...being the phenomenal woman that I am…lol, I got over it and started enjoying the game. We had a great time at the end of the day. My team did not make it to the finals but they sure did play well :) me offcourse.....hehhhe

Although I really enjoyed watching a soccer game live, you won’t see me in a stadium anytime soon....make that never!!

Powerful moment

So...... i missed my bus this morning, and i decided to take a taxi, and when i got in, my trousers got torn, badly.I asked the taxi driver to stop so i could get off, i then went back to my place and picked a skirt, ironed and smsed my boss to let her know i will be late.....and i went work.

I DID NOT get angry/upset, i did not swear at the taxi driver, nor did i curse him.I didn't even think i was having a 'BAD"day....and yes i didn't update my facebook status with 'damn taxi's'!!

I was calm, i still am and this is sooo wierd and wonderful and the same time!!

Happy Wednesday!!!

Movies, music and some quiet time!!

I've spent the past two weekends at home, watching movies, singing along to John Legend, Alicia Keys and Beyonce' and having some quiet 'me time'. I had a foot massage, a read a book' The total Woman Prayer', and i loved it, I even took pictures of myself and they came out really nice...lol *_*. The next few weeks are going to be really hectic for me,so i do appreciate having taken some time out to chill out. I got a chance to think over the state of affairs of my life , and got some perspective.

There is soo much I wanna do, so many places I wanna visit but here I am postponing and giving excuses. I remembered a quote that I read once that said ' Life does not begin when you get your dream job, or car , or house and when you meet the perfect man/woman, live now, and make the best of what you have, the rest shall follow'

That’s what Ladyjam’s gonna DO!!

Hi my name is Ladyjam and I’m a vegetarian wanna be…

I have been reading up on Vegetarian lifestyle and the many types of Vegetarianism, there are soo many people out there who are vegetarian and more and more parents are raising Vegetarian kids, even the state/government is encouraging people to eat less meat for environmental reasons.

What has stood out for me is that eating meat (as we are now) is causing so many problems (poverty, health issues and global warming) for the human race, yet we continue eating meat. Could it be that we are not AWARE of the effects? or we are aware,but not prepared to give up out meat addiction?

It is unbelievable the amount of money, time, food (grain), land and water it takes just to produce 1kg of a ‘juicy steak’, it is more than the amount it takes to produce 1kg of grain. The fact that we are spending so much food, water, money and land to feed animals (livestock), a lot of animals at that, just to support our carnivorous lifestyle, yet Millions of people around the world go to sleep hungry and many die of hunger, and we can't feed them because we have to feed the cows so that WE can have the burger.

It is for this reason that I've declared every Monday a meat-free day, i shall never eat meat on any Monday for as long as i live!!!